she's in love with lalaland...

2012-01-30T00:02:00.002+08:00

SUPERSATURATION.

and i think of cholesterol stones.

oh my, this is poor. i thought thyroid was alright when the tutors did it but i don't get why NOTHING IS GETTING IN NOW.

VVHHHYYYY VVVHHYYYYY VVHHHYYYYY YOU TELL ME VHY.

i need turbo speed mugging or i'm done for :(

2012-01-28T01:04:00.003+08:00

STOP.

and breathe.

today was a less than optimal mugging day. accomplished much less than i had set my mind on. but i guess it's okay to be human. i guess we'll be needing a whole load of determination to get through the next 7 days of mugging + exams.

my JC PE teacher used to nickname me 'closing ceremony', since i was always the last to finish the 2.4km run. but the awesome teacher said,'you're always last, but you always finish'. i never saw it that way since all my focus was on the pain in my thighs, calves, stomach, head and everywhere else. and i always finished cos i thought i'll be damn screwed by the teacher if i stopped and the only valid reason for me to discontinue the run was if i faint.

yupp. giving up on CAs is not an option cos i'll get damn screwed up grades that might force me to take supps, producing a screwed up holiday. bear with the pain. you've got no choice.

but i guess getting some rest is still an option. even 2.4 has the slow down/walk option when you feel like you're about to drop dead on the tracks.

prior to blogging, i was listening to some covers on youtube and reading some old blog posts. a slight pause, before all the craze tmr will bring :)

2012-01-26T21:58:00.001+08:00

BOVINE SPONGIFORM ENCEPHALOPATHY.

oh you nerd. but sometimes i wish my brains were more spongy. at least they absorb (and retain) better :/

mugmugmugmug.
and eat more beef from england.

2012-01-25T00:09:00.003+08:00

WE AIN'T NO COMMANDOS.

rushed mugging and stuffing info into head is such a painful process. my commando friend loves to quote the army,"pain is weakness leaving your body". he then further tweaked it to make it sound more altruistic and applicable to medical students - "pain is weakness leaving your patient's body".

screw the army.
screw altruism.
i need some morphine.

nothing is going in.

2012-01-24T16:46:00.002+08:00

OH MY LUNG.

been stuck at respi pathology since forever. dude you've got to move on. CAs are in 9 days.

had an afternoon alone at home while all others were out visiting. it was interestingly a nice kind of feeling. i guess we all need to be alone sometimes, even if it means mugging alone at home.

spent the night of the first day of CNY at the medical library with A and it was great fun i must say. screw studying. we had fun screaming and squealing in the toilet and jumping around the lib with outmost restlessness and pranking ppl over sms. so much for studying, but well it was CNY after all :) i think it beats sitting down in front of the tv at my relative's place stuffing bakwa in my face. had late night ice cream though i thought it was not the most well deserved reward. anyhow, it was great company :)

anddddd, happy stuffs cos things are looking up for A & C. THERE IS HOPE :))

im starting to realise as you move along in medical school, exams start to mean less than the whole world to you. you'll figure out how to balance everything that's been thrown at you, somehow.

2012-01-21T19:35:00.002+08:00

COLOURS AND PROMISES.

saw a complete rainbow outside my window just now :) what a timely reminder of His promises.

just ended conference and it's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that tmr's new year's eve and that i'll probably spend the first day of CNY studying at utown. oh the misery. conference was awesome though, except for the fact that CA2 was constantly annoying me at the back of my head.

hang on tight. it'll be a ride.

2012-01-10T17:28:00.001+08:00

IT'S TIME.

again :( need to stay off FB. it's, well, distracting me from yet another CA.

2012-01-05T00:39:00.003+08:00

I LIKE TO STIR MY CAULDRON.

during group introductions, meeting new people and stuff, i tend to think i appear like a brainless shoppaholic (a.k.a bimbo). there's a tendency for the introduction to go,"hi i'm shandy. i like to go out and chill with friends at coffee places and shop. and shop. and shop".

yea okay don't rub it in. i know how superficial i sound. but it's true that i like doing such stuffs. i like buying clothes and shoes and bags and accessories and other stuffs that on hindsight i realise i don't need. i like curling up in a corner of starbucks, sipping hot mocha, catching up with friends on their stories i missed out when i was busy diving in a sea of notes and textbooks.

recently i found something i could add on to the list of things i like to do. or what other people call 'hobby'. i kinda enjoy... baking. well it's not like i've never baked for the past 20 years of my life and suddenly realised i like blasting the electric mixer on full speed with cake batter splattering all over. but recently, it has almost become an obsession. which is... not the best thing. cos y'know, textbooks are constantly calling out my name, tugging at conscience yearning for my undivided attention.

but baking is just so so so attractive. i like how there's an almost fixed set of rules to adhere to in every recipe yet little changes here and there can make it how you like your cake or cookie best. recently very into cupcakes cos i realised most pretty cupcakes (and i mean really, really pretty and adorable, so colourful you think it's play-doh) might not taste as good as they look, especially those that scream 'i'm a cup-ful of diabetes!' in your face. now all you need is reduced sugar, quality cakes (in cup form) topped with icing of your choice. and the combinations of cake and icing is a whole new study on its own! how certain cakes just go THE BEST with particular icings, say, carrot cake and orange cream cheese icing. the bombzz, i say :)

unfortunately the next time i'll get a chance to bake (with my conscience at peace) is after CA2.

okay okay shandy's asking me to go mug. damn i hate her.

sigh i think i'm schizphrenic.

2011-12-15T21:18:00.000+08:00

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BUCK UP?!

cannot study :(((((((

2011-12-12T22:00:00.002+08:00

DECLARATION.

I'm packing my room/my notes (since the bulk of what messes my room up is notes) now. I WILL STUDY AND NOT BE A LAZY GIRL.

2011-12-11T15:27:00.005+08:00

EVERYDAY WE'RE SHUFFLIN'

there's been this whole hype about reshuffling cell groups in church and it has cause quite an uproar, especially among my CG members. all the emotions, arguments and unpleasant stuff surfacing throughout the week was sucky.

i hate change too. i would hate a shuffle.

after much prayer and talking to different people regarding this issue, i would say a shuffle might not be the worst thing. but we certainly hate it, for different reasons.

2011-12-04T23:52:00.006+08:00

SIGH.

I wasted a whole Sunday again, mostly doing things I didn't think I'll have to face. How reluctant. How ugly. Or maybe it's His way of getting me to speak to Him.

:(

2011-12-03T23:17:00.001+08:00

MYSTERY.

what have i been doing??

2011-11-26T23:48:00.004+08:00

STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE.

baking is therapeutic :) i don't like cheesecake. but it looks pretty anyway. looking forward to christmas very much!!

secretly, i'm kind of scared for the release of CA1 results :(

2011-11-19T01:19:00.003+08:00

GROW.

as of today, the roads of singapore just got more dangerous :) extremely thankful that i got a really nice tester and awesome weather (though there was a 60% chance of rainfall) can't quite imagine myself on the roads but yea, whatever. the idea will sink in soon enough. then it'll be Need for Speed.

was really encouraged to see a cell group member lead bible study today. i grew up with him and i know him quite well. he managed to read up online on the passages covered despite it being his exam period and delivered them quite well to the group. proud of him :)

time to step up.

2011-10-28T16:40:00.003+08:00

A HEADLESS FLY.

2 weeks to CAs and i still feel like i'm no where. i'm like a walking disorganized mass doomed to self destruct when i take the paper. this can't go on. i need to pass.

2011-10-20T22:43:00.005+08:00

HOW AM I TO CARRY ON.

Oh God, i'm starting to feel tired. i probably have been feeling tired for a while. but the journey seems way too long and never ending.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

2011-10-08T12:50:00.002+08:00

Yet when i surveyed all that my hands had done
and what i had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 2:11

i admit i've been drowning a bit recently, and i do foresee myself drowning more in time to come. but this reminds me to get my priorities right, and to have the right approches and attitudes to do what i want and need to do. it's never been what my hands have done, or what i've toiled to achieve. i must remember, lest i chase after the wind.

2011-10-01T10:33:00.002+08:00

WHY THEY MAKE US DO WHAT WE DO.

lectures came very much alive this week. not because the lecturers were plain awesome, although i wouldn't doubt some of them really were. this week's ethics topic was particularly depressing. yet touching. a bit like morbid yet comforting, saddening with some sort of self-assumed realization. it was on end-of-life care, cancer in particular. it's scary to know how 1/3 people will die/suffer from cancer (if death rates are one in three, then disease incidence rates would be higher).

my mom got a phone call on thursday morning and i was woken up by the quick but audible steps she took as she moved around the house. my semi-awake brains thought: either the house was on fire, or my uncle was going to fade away very soon. my mom ran to me and told me to go to school myself while my dad would bring her to the hospital. my grandma still asleep with my mom deliberating if she should tell her anything at all. in the end, we all went, grandma included. as she washed up in the quickest way her parkinson's-striken hands could, we could hear her bawling from inside the toilet. she had kidney failure and heart failure, with hypertension. we were afraid, but we thought she needed to say goodbye to her son.

when we got there, he was in a obviously worse shape than when i last saw him a week ago. he was hypotensive and running a low grade fever. the doctor said he probably wouldn't last the day. the pastor rushed down, so did aunty vicki, really nice family and church friend who shared christ with my uncle while his condition still allowed him to interpret information and make decisions. thank God he readily received Christ. i don't know if desperation from the disease drove him to, or that he was really touched by the saving grace of God. but now we know that even if his body fades away, he lives forever. as the pastor prayed over him at his bedside, he prayed for strength and comfort yet secretly in my heart i prayed for release too. my grandma cried even more when she saw her stick-thin son lay on the bed, with a couple of tubes sticking out from him. she was finally struck with the reality that her son had not much time left.

the ethics discussion this week was on palliative chemotherapy and empathy towards patients and their family members in face of a terminal illness. most patients would have a great amount of optimism and determination to fight the disease. medicine has evolved to a stage where it can prolong the life of someone. but is the time fought for quality time? is the suffering of having more tubes stuck into the patient or having mechanical devices aid the expansion of the lungs, the beating of the heart made worthwhile for the little of bit extra time gained?

my ethics tutor told us this story found in BMJ: a terminally ill 19 year old boy slipped into a state of crisis and would die if nothing was done to save him. something could be done to help him get past this crisis and gain a couple more days. but the hospital he was in didn't have the facilities and the patient had to be moved. but the problem was, the patient was in such a bad shape that moving him might risk killing him. and even if the sucessfully moved him and saved him, he was still doomed to die in face of his terminal illness. both he and his parents were given the choice and as expected, the parents were in a wreck when asked to make a decision. the patient chose to move. and he gained 18 more days before the disease finally took him away. but he left peacefully. the 18 days gave both he and his parents time to accept things and to find a closure. hence, these 18 days were good for the patient and his family.

my uncle survived that day and he's still alive, although he's in a really bad shape, slipping in and out of critical states. my grandma went home that day, although she barely has the mood to watch her favourite tv programmes, she stopped crying. i thought the decision the bring her to the hospital that day turned out well. she was forced to face the fact that her son was leaving soon.

last night, he was critical again. we all went down, except my grandma. her children didn't want to let her know. my uncle was now down with pneumonia and septicemia. these could kill even healthy patients, much worse for immunocompromised cancer patients. he was continually hypotensive. my mom egged me to go to his bedside to speak to him, to pray with him. yet i didn't. i saw his wife and daughter beside him. i thought it would be best he spent his remaining time with them before he passed on. or maybe, i just lacked the courage. i stood the the foot of his bed and observed. he had dyspnea (hard of breathing) due to pneumonia, hypotension due to septicemia and his body was compensating, with tachycardia (increased heart rate) and thirst as a result of the hypotension. as i picked out these clinical signs and tried to explain them medically, i saw how those lectures on the physiology of the cardiovascular system and pathophysiology were so applicable. then pang of guilt struck me. this was not a cancer case with complications put in front of me. this was not even my patient that i've been following up for a couple of month. this was my uncle lying before me. all the constant reminders the lecturers had for us to remember patients as patients, and not the hepatitis case or the heart failure case or the fractured femur.

a song kept running through my head as i stood around his bed, or walked around in the wards:

at the foot of the cross
where grace and suffering meet
you have showed me your love
through the judgement you received

at the foot of the cross
where i am made complete
you have given me life
through the death you bore for me

and you've won my heart
yes you've won my heart

now i can
trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down
at the foot of the cross

at the foot of the cross - kathryn scott

my uncle survived yesterday night again. my mom just msged a while ago to say he's losing his blood pressure further. i continue praying for release.

2011-09-27T23:51:00.002+08:00

WARFARE.

just about last week i met a neighbour, a family of Mormons, at the carpark on our way home. having grown up together, i started chatting with the eldest son of the family who recently returned from a very long mission trip from i forgot where. having talked longer, i found out he was at the philippines for a year or more. i told him i went for a mission trip to manila in june too and i sorely failed when he tried to converse with me in tagalog. and seriously, that was damn pro tagalog. it then dawned on me, that it's a real spiritual warfare out there. they claim to be christians too, yet it's a totally new belief. no Jesus, no Saviour. it was such a stark contrast, not only in the fundamentals of the religion but also between my neighbour and i. he was barely a few years older than me, yet he sacrificed his time (probably potential time for education) and put in effort to blend in with the philippinos in speaking fluent tagalog. yet mine was a one week trip and i probably only know how to say thank you and hello. we both were there to reach out to the philippinos. and this, is war, in a less obvious way.

again today, someone knocked at the door and i opened (cos i thought it was my postage!). there stood this middle-aged lady with thick lips (sorry that really caught my eye) asking me if i knew about the redemption of Jesus Christ. immediately i said i was a christian, since i really hate talking to strangers at my gate, yet she stopped me and continued talking. sensing that something didn't seem quite right, i asked her for her denomination and found out that she was a Jehovah Witness. well it's a fact that i don't know much about them but i knew they were different from the protestant faith. i declared myself protestant and politely but firmly rejected her.

as i shut the door and sat in front of the TV, i had many thoughts running through my head: why was i so quick to retreat back behind my closed door? why hadn't i let her continue and challenged her? did i have the confidence to do that? was i properly equiped with the Word to do that? was i afraid that she would make me question my faith instead?

why didn't i stand up for this Jesus i claim to love?

sometimes, i get so caught up with the things of this world, i tend to forget what is most important. despite reading passages from the bible or meaningful christian writeups to my cancer-striken uncle, i wonder if it's hypocritical. i wonder if im just sharing with him what i know, rather than what i believe in and who i love.

yes shandy, where is this 'love' you claim?

i'm afraid to fall away.

2011-09-10T21:51:00.002+08:00

WHERE.

terrible week, with only caffeine to keep me physically going. yet mentally and spiritually i feel myself dwindling. as if the toil of school is not enough to get me down, the constant pressure to catch up with work (and feeling stupid during lectures) is almost unbearable. then some idiots along the way just happen to take joy in firing bombs at my already extremely screwed up week.

had CGL meeting/BS today and i was constantly wondering to myself what on earth i was doing there. i've been struggling since the moment i was appointed that role. no calling, no willingness, no flair, no choice. i decided it would be a period of watching and listening but i might just be getting a tad impatient.

thankful for friends who talk to me bout desserts, shopping and stethescopes. they keep my mind away from these. and yes, i need to catch up. BADLY.

2011-08-23T23:41:00.002+08:00

IN MOMENTS LIKE THESE.

and right now
in the good times and bad
You are on Your Throne.

what a timely reminder.

2011-08-23T01:14:00.000+08:00

REALIZATION.

indeed, what a jerk magnet.

2011-08-12T16:28:00.002+08:00

GOING BACK.

feel as though i've strayed so far. i need to go back or i'll just keep falling away.

2011-07-27T00:34:00.002+08:00

TRANSIENT.

happy times. relationships. life.

i'm still on holidays and it's been great so far. meet ups with friends from the past helps revive some neglected relationships that were a result of school and exams. been driving too, of course. not the first thing i'll want to do when i wake up each morning but i guess i'll have to get through this crap before i find myself wanting a car at 28 without a driver's license. people ask me what i like to do, hobbies etc. i don't really know actually. i only know i've been shopping and meeting up with people alot this holidays so it's usually my answer when they ask. it feels kind of weird cos i don't do things like play the piano, play a sport, do some really damn cool thing (no clue what) or mainly just those things people would say when you have a round table introduction. i guess they aren't the most necessary, especially when school starts. the crap will start again. just that it'll be much more.

with my uncle being diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer, my family's been thrown into a bit of a mayhem. or rather just my mom. ironically, she probably sees him more times in a week now, than we would normally see in a year. it's sad how people only get close or show they care when bad stuff like these struck but anyhow i'm glad she's trying to make his last days count. it was also great to see how people love in the name of Christ. my mom's friends visit him now and then and today both my pastors visited. sometimes i feel quite unfeeling as a niece. helpless and accepting. my medical brain tells me 'it's but a matter of time' but i really hate that thought sometimes. where did the love go? it scares me. makes me afraid i'll be so numb in the future. i need to import some love from Manila.

to my friend, some things don't last. we can cry and hold on, but it's better now than later.

2011-07-10T00:53:00.002+08:00

IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

holidays have been crazy and i've been missing in action at the dinner table for quite a while. but it's been great meeting up with friends from the past and doing some good catch up. there was quite a bit of travelling in may and june but july's mainly on school stuff. also good, since i quite miss the med ppl, though not the studying.

just returned from medicamp and i thought it was awesome. got to know more M2s than M1s since i was always not with the junior OG but anyhow, doing saikang and playing a fool with the seniors was a whole load of fun too :)

today was the first 'stay home' day in a very long while and it feels kind of weird. i was supposed to be out shopping since the sales are getting slightly better. but then again, i spent some time clearing my closet today, which means MORE SPACE. GSS, HERE I COME :)

2011-06-12T21:00:00.002+08:00

HOPING THERE WILL BE A DAWN FOR THEM.

away on mission trip for the next 7 days. i'm prepared to be amazed and awed by what He can do and is already doing.

my luggage still left open, half packed. sharing materials half edited. kids games half planned. but flying tmr morning anyway :) today He showed me once again how He provides more than enough. we had last minute donation of a huge bag of brand new clothes and cash donation amounting up to $850. we didn't even ask the congregation for donation!!! this really nice aunty just came up to us to ask what we needed and reappeared after her trip to the ATM with $700 bucks shoved to us.

anyway, there's something wrong with this temper of mine. need to delete it man. pray for a whole load of gentleness and self control for this trip.

2011-06-11T11:30:00.002+08:00

HERE AND THERE.

just came back from church camp and will be flying to philippines in a few days.

post exam holidays (and not study holidays) have been awesome. turkey was fantastic cos i was totally wowed by the beauty of its landscape. food was terrible though. had to live on cucumbers and tomatoes. my dad received a call yesterday from HSA saying that some people in our tour group are suspected of getting the E.coli bug. anyhow, that's one reason why we say grace before our food :)

church camp at batam was really fun too. a bit of unpleasantness cos some of us are physically and mentally tired from planning but i quite enjoyed the camp apart from all those. for the first time, we did some outreach and community service during a church camp and i believed it went well. let's hope we'll keep it going for the camps to come. we sang with the kids, talked with them, did craft etc. it was really cool to see them singing praises at the top of their voices from their pure hearts.

off to the philippines on monday. so not prepared for many things but i guess i'll just have to go in faith.

'Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.'
Psalm 127:1

2011-05-17T20:14:00.001+08:00

TOO SICK OF IT.

even though tmr's the last day of pros and i'm flying after the paper, there's no sense of motivation or joy.

2011-05-16T16:49:00.002+08:00

THE END IS NEAR.

soon but not yet. trying to focus more on the 'soon' instead of the 'not yet'. spots paper on wed and i'm starting to realise how much i don't know and how much i've forgotten. it's a terribly anxious but helpless feeling actually.

i wake most morning with the thought in my head: a dreadful day of mugging awaits. i think i've exhausted whatever little optimism and motivation after more than 4 weeks of nothing but studying.

i can't wait to fly away.

2011-05-08T11:43:00.001+08:00

The One who has gone before me, He will help me carry on.

2011-05-02T10:30:00.000+08:00

i'm tired.

2011-04-28T01:03:00.003+08:00

THANKS.

thanks for your love.

with pros coming up in 2 weeks, it's really been quite tough living. but God has placed people around me to show me they care. it's really comforting and encouraging especially when you're trying hard to stay afloat and i really appreciate it :)

i might be developing exam-induced shoppaholism. i'm always wanting to buy stuff i don't need even when i hardly can step out of the house. but my mom has been feeding my addictions by acceeding to my requests. like a new study chair, cos i said i needed (well maybe or maybe not) one. and a new pair of glasses though my current ones are perfectly fine, with the excuse that the current one has a frame too small to see things around me. brought me for quick shopping and lunch cos i said i REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted that dress (and i really did want that dress, but i got another dress instead). and my parents finally agreed to get an espresso machine cos i've been complaining that 3-in-1 coffee sucks big time and that spinelli and starbucks love scamming my money.

very evidently, my mind runs wild when i study. i think of crappy things to buy, and even crappier excuses. my parents don't print money. neither do they grow money trees (i bet some med kids parents do) and it's not in the family's culture to spend on unnecessary and lame stuff. but i thank them for making it an exception at their expense cos they feel it'll make me happier during these dark times. whether it can really make me feel better is one thing. but at least i know they are trying. so thank you :)

also, i had a pleasant surprise last night after a whole day of crappy mugging. i received an email from my MCF head to thank me for serving in MCF for the past year. it wasn't a short few sentences saying thank you for serving and all the best for pros. it was sincere and heartfelt. really touched cos he took some mugging time off to type me a mail. he could have simply done it after Pros. more importantly, i think his main message was more of encouragement than thanks. he saw my 'OMG i feel so stupid and wanna kill myself right away' face during tutorials that day and thought maybe i was struggling and was lacking a whole load of confidence. well he's right luh. the note meant alot to me actually and reminded me to have faith and confidence and the Lord. yes, which is what i need very badly.

second to faith and confidence, i need sleep too. yawns.

many others around have encouraged me too and i can tell that those were really sincere words :) thank you friends.

2011-04-24T23:36:00.002+08:00

SLOWEY POKEY

WHY WHY WHY DO YOU STUDY SO SLOWLY??! WHY?! AND WHY EVEN AFTER STUDYING SO SLOWLY, YOU CAN'T RMB THINGS FOR NUTS?!?! WHY??!?!

pathetic pig.

2011-04-23T00:06:00.004+08:00

I NEED TO MUG HARDER.

this week has been terrible. but this keeps me going.
i know i am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing :)

and blogger's not weird anymore. no more large chunks of words :)

2011-04-18T23:28:00.001+08:00

sometimes overly optimistic till unrealistic. other times anxious and worried. you fool.

2011-04-14T23:54:00.001+08:00

sometimes, i find it so hard to go on. but i have to keep faith.

2011-04-12T23:57:00.002+08:00

i've got no idea why my posts are coming out as blobs of words. so i might as well just type in a blob of words. had a terrible day at anat practical today. almost like the 'i want to burst out crying now but i won't cos it'll be the most embarassing thing on earth' feeling. probably felt that way cos i felt really stupid today. like a dumb girl doomed to die in medical school. i guess it's also cos of the extra pressure that's been building up with Pros just a month away (but with a whole load to study, plus i can't rmb almost anything). plus CA3 results just came out and they weren't particularly spectacular. actually, pathetic to be exact. my lab mates are extremely nice and they are really smart. so i'm always the one sponging off their brains every practical session. i guess today the sponge was dysfunctional and couldn't absorb much stuff. sometimes (or most of the time actually) i feel as though i'm holding them back. half the time they speak things that sound like greek to me (in actual fact most are latin) and they spend the other half of the time explaining it to my blur face. amist all these thoughts that school is killing me and i'm dying from school, i'm still very thankful for these really good friends God has blessed me with. despite me dragging them down during practical sessions and revisions (they try very hard to help me and are extremely encouraging) they haven't given up on me (yet) and get me to go for self revision sessions with them. they even let me choose the topics i want to revise so i'll be better prepared and will benefit more from it. when/if i get my MBBS, i owe them at least 20% of it. i guess medical school is an extremely humbling experience for me. it's almost like falling from grace. used to be above average but now i'm miles away. amazingly, God places us in trying situations but there's always hope that we can hold on to. this time, He placed great ppl around me :) apart from my lab partners, another friend just msged me the answer to a question i asked her a couple of days back (even i forgot about it). thank you friends :) i'm gonna sleep my sorrows away. tmr will be an awesome day :)

2011-04-06T22:26:00.007+08:00

HEY, JUDE.

made a new friend today. my first friend at St Joseph's home was this 51 year old spastic (as in really spastic, a medical condition) man called jude. really really nice person to talk to, though he couldn't speak. he communicated by pointing out alphabets on a prepared card to spell out words he want to express. hope to see him again the next time i visit :) we talked to other residents at the home too and most were actually quite glad for us to be there. secretly, i went there once with interact and they complained we were making too much noise :P maybe now it's time to make amendments for what we did 2 years back HAHA.

another interesting thing was to be able to see real examples of diseases, illnesses and their manifestations at the home. often lecturers talk about the different illnesses that ppl face but everything becomes so trival when it's in the lecture notes/textbooks. the only thing i remembered about osteoarthritis was that we had a series of lectures on it before CA1 yet it wouldn't be tested (obviously i zoned out). i never knew it was such a painful condition until i saw how it could make someone cry. promises are dangerous. i told jude i'll be back in 2 weeks and he seems excited to see us back again. but exams are approaching... anyhow, i don't think i'll want to disappoint him.

2011-03-29T00:38:00.008+08:00

GOOD GRIEF?

just came back from a good friend's grandma's wake. i didn't know her grandma at all. in fact, i didn't know she shared such a close relationship with her. as my friend went up to give her eulogy, i couldn't help but feel a portion of that loss she felt. it would be quite hypocritical to burst out crying just 2 minutes into the eulogy, especially when i didn't know her grandma at all.

yet as she went on sharing, i was overwhelmed. it made me think of my grandma. it made me scared to lose her. it made me reflect if i've been giving her the best experience she could have as a grandma. it made me sad. happy for my friend, cos her grandma said The Sinner's Prayer just before passing on, and by faith we have confidence that she's enjoying eternal life now. then it made me think: what about my grandma? what about the people around me? will we meet again? all these things came altogether.

just last night i had this thought while studying (it was a truly random moment): what if the world ended tmr? what if the world was judged tmr? how much regret will there be? how many people would i not see forever? as i sat at the chair of my dressing table with the tv switched on in the background, i hear news of japan's triple tragedy, thailand's floods, myanmar's earthquakes, libya's unrest...

2011-03-25T20:41:00.002+08:00

ANATOMY.

i'll call it the bane of my life if exams weren't that frequent. but when i've got an upcoming anatomy + everything else exam, it's like the king of nemeses. very evidently, revision hasn't been ideal.

i still remember at one of my first few anatomy practicals (the one we go look at preserved dead bodies), i almost burst into tears cos i couldn't catch up with my tutorial group and was near totally clueless. feeling absolutely stupid and stressed, i went up to my OG mates and told them i was gonna go home early without continuing the session since it was obviously not optimal esp with a really crappy mood. but the bunch of them persuaded me to stay and patiently (extremely) went through the tutorial objectives with me. and then i found myself a new practical group (and a bunch of really good friends). i always want to die during practicals but they kind of help me survive through each session. now it's almost end of M1 with just a couple more practical sessions to go. one of them actually took the initiative to get our whole group started on revision for spots (final practical exam). seriously, what would i do without them.

today marked the last session of PBP also. i'll miss the awesome tutors and the cool A&E setting. i'm sure we'll get more chances to get posted there again. but i hope we'll pop by just for fun one day, before we actually get posted there.

MUG MUG MUG MUG.

2011-03-19T23:53:00.003+08:00

SLEEPY.

it's something i'm constantly battling. but obviously i give in to it quite easily, especially during lectures. sigh, the reason i came blogging was cos i was falling asleep trying to webcast prof raj's lecture (amazingly he puts me to sleep quite well, despite him being quite a good lecturer).

now that honeymoon week is over, the real horror starts. pros in less than 2 months and i've seriously got to start mugging already :( don't think i'll like to mug in the CA3 style again, with minimal sleep and lots of food. i'm going to start believing sleep is good. i'm staying in my hole for the next 7 weeks and nothing (i hope) is going to get me out of there, until the end of pros. bid my social life goodbye. bid my virtual social life goodbye too. bid my shopping goodbye too. OMG I MIGHT AS WELL DIE.

my mom just gave away my bag to my cousin's gf cos she says i don't use it anyway. CRY. okay i really really feel like sleeping now.

i need to watch a movie.

2011-03-07T12:15:00.002+08:00

DELUSIONAL, OR NOT.

my dad woke me up at 7 this morning for school. i clearly remembered telling him i was intending to stay home today last night. i remembered telling my mom too. interestingly, BOTH of them said i didn't tell them anything. so my dad woke up at 6 plus for nothing, when he could easily leave the house at 8.15 since he didn't need to send us. felt quite bad cos he woke up an hour early. but then it gets me wondering, what went wrong?

they didn't hear me (or both of them coincidentally forgot), an interesting case of miscommunication, or i'm simply delusional and hence remembering false images.

the latter would be the scariest of them all. i guess i'll just choose to believe it's just plain miscommunication.

anyway, in between mugging i'll occassionally read singaporemd.blogspot and there was this talk bout doctors overcharging. in the comments there were even apalling links between the sale of medical services and $1 chicken rice. if i'm going through 5 years of a damn sad life (or maybe even a couple of years more than that), only for my medical knowledge and services to be worth chicken rice, I CRY.

eh wait. remember, it's about saving lives (with $1 chicken rice)

2011-03-01T13:35:00.002+08:00

WRIGGLES.

finally eating instant noodles after a very long time and i can't rmb when was the last time i ate it. seeing the wriggly noodles swimming in a thick broth of MSG and whatever unhealthy stuff there is in there, and finally having it in my mouth felt so good.

CAs are in less than 2 weeks and i'm totally not prepared for it. having alot more to study and forgetting stuff i studied (which i confidently thought would stay) isn't of much help. i was frantically trying to finish the abdomen and endocrine glands last night, and trying to rush while showering to cut my shower time (OMG it felt so bad. my shower time is sacred time!! :( ) it then occurred to me that i'll go crazy studying and living at this rate, devoting most of my time to mugging and only mugging. shower time being dreaming time (and hence sacred time), i started wondering what would happen if i suffered a nervous breakdown studying for CA3. it'll be quite a joke.

going to study now. i feel abit nicer to myself after eating instant noodles and blogging :) i'll save day dreaming to showertime (maybe we should call it showerdreaming).

2011-02-25T21:06:00.002+08:00

500.

unknowingly, i've written enough crap to make up 500 posts. keep it up shandy. you might be star blogger one day. just be patient and wait :)

ate my third sausage mcmuffin in a month. i used to do very well without it but now i might just be addicted. sodium overload but precisely so it tastes so good. well, my hotcakes and sausage + 2 packets of hotcakes syrup previously wasn't very much healthier either. but anyway mac's breakfast is totally worth spending those calories on. at least they taste better than those oily dry nuggets that used to taste fantastic.

i'll blame my third sausage mcmuffin on my grandma cos she said she wanted to eat mac's breakfast and i promised to go with her. actually she only eats fillet-o-fish which is served all day long but she thinks they only have it in the morning. good for me anyway. good excuse to eat my sausage mcmuffin :) wanted to bring the maid along so she could bring my grandma marketing after breakfast and i could rush home to mug, and mug, and mug. but she didn't want the maid along. just as well, cos i realised i've never accompanied her to the market before. plus there are some things that are kind of worth the time and effort and outweighs mugging ten times.

wasted a couple of days at home doing i don't know what. sometimes i'm amused myself at how i spend my time doing stupid things, like blogging. did some mugging here and there but obviously not enough to complete everything. i'm miles away from 'studying finish'. oh wait. this does not exist in a medical student's dictionary (firstly it's not in latin, secondly cos medical students just keep studying).

stupid things happened while im studying, like how my highlighter flew into my tea while i was swirling it around, or how my printer screwed up on me (as usual). more importantly, my neighbour just came over to tell us there's no water supply (for i don't know what good reason) and i haven't showered. GREAT. more time to mug.

can't believe i spent my 500th post talking bout sausage mcmuffins, mugging and screwed up water supplies.

2011-02-22T13:20:00.002+08:00

ALWAYS.

many times i wonder why seniors can study their content 2 times over prior to exams. i can't even cope with touching every set of notes once. i'm either useless or they are superhuman. i choose to believe the latter. as much as i try damn hard, i almost always can't finish studying, especially since JC (or maybe even O levels. i rmb mugging damn hard 2 hours before O's bio paper at bel's house). i guess i've just got to work harder to get where those superhuman seniors are. if i do fail to get there, at least i know i'm still human :)

barely 20 odd days (not sure, lost count/don't dare to count) to CA3 and i'm totally not prepared. set a mug pact with nick to get a target of 70 this CA. seems bleak :/ woeful woeful! plus having an irritating and persistent cough really screws up my sleep patterns. the procodeine prescribed hardly works to suppress the cough center and it only makes me drowsy. and since the medicine isn't working, i'm still waking up 4am at night to cough (??!?! stupid reason to wake up) and drink water.

alright my notes are printed and i'm all set to conquer GIT today. i'm gonna rip out its guts. HAHA.

2011-02-18T17:37:00.002+08:00

SWEET NOTHINGS.

counting down. 3 weeks to CA3. i don't know if counting down stresses me, motivates me, or simply scares me. well at least it helps me keep track of time. beats finding out that there's only 1 day left to the paper after living the zombie life without any sensitivity to time.

today was sugar-overdose day. ate cake in the morning. fell asleep during lecture. ate cake again. ate an apple. drank coffee with 3 packets of sugar (unrefined i hope, but not like it makes a difference). ate kueh bangkit and chocolate wafer sticks. to my GIT, pancreas and liver, i'm sorry but sugar made today a slightly more enjoyable day :)

had a talk by seniors earlier this week on 'surviving medical school' and more importantly how to get past pros. there's an increased motivation to mug in moderation (only when necessary, but that's like all the time) and play like crazy (whenever we can, duh). there was also a harsh reminder to dress well and look pretty. afterall, that's probably the best we can ever look. on a side note, i still believe in the existence of hot doctors :) but oh well, yes i'm somewhat encouraged to study, though both the mind and body are still damn weak.

it's recess week and i hope i won't waste it. going to the zoo on monday sounds like a good idea anyway. i'm having serious withdrawal symptoms from shopping :(

2011-02-13T22:23:00.002+08:00

BREATHE.

it's less than 4 weeks to CA3 and i just realised how much crap we've got to swallow, assimilate then vomit on 11 march. RAWRRR. kill me. having a mega packed weekend was not helpful at all, since the only time i really started studying was like, just. kill me again cos now i've got to live with the guilt of not studying.

ah whatever shandy. you can't go on living like a pure breed mugger with no life to speak of. i don't want to live the prime years of my life in vain. but wait. if i'm mugging yet still getting below average grades, i should just go kill myself. that's mega sad case cos working hard's not gonna get you anywhere, and an even sadder case would be that slacking a little more would mean getting kicked out of medical school. OH WOEFUL!

OH SHUT UP SHANDY STOP WHINNING AND GO STUDY.

(sigh, sometimes i feel like a schizophrenic)

2011-01-17T14:09:00.002+08:00

PERSPECTIVES.

female medical student: i don't mind marrying a doctor next time actually. then at least he'll know how busy doctors are.

male medical student: i don't want to marry a doctor in future. or else she'll know exactly how busy i am.

a rather interesting conversation :)

2011-01-15T11:24:00.003+08:00

WHERE AM I?

most of the time, i feel stupid in school. sometimes i don't know if it's alright to have the 'it's perfectly alright to just pass' attitude. oh yes, forgot to mention i'm just in year 1, supposedly coined the 'honeymoon period' by many seniors. maybe i'll get used to this feeling soon. i don't know.

many times, i wonder if i'll ever get there. being able to make sound decisions so that i won't end up killing anyone in the wards or A&E. i guess i've just got to work harder.

2011-01-11T14:35:00.003+08:00

SCHOOLITIS PYREXIA

schoolities pyrexia: autoimmune response to the end of holidays and the start of a new school term. root causes include emotional distress from the anticipation of a packed timetable and anxiety caused by the rushing out of tutorials. commonly characterized by fever, lethargy and a bloody bad headache.

what a start to the new sem :/ i think i popped 8 paracetamols in less than 24 hours. what a torture to my liver. but anyway, i'm much better now (maybe cos i finished my tutorials and the new chapter on the Abdomen actually doesn't seem that impossible after all). it was great going back to school, seeing awesome friends and talking crap during lectures. though i don't expect many shopping expeditions for the next few months, i'm hoping my holiday sprees will make up for it. but then again, there can never be too much shopping :) the happiness level that stems from shopping is a linear curve with a large positive gradient.

bracing myself for the new sem. it's gonna be crazy. it's gonna be awesome (i'm praying hard!!)

by the way, i passed CA2!! extremely thankful :)

2011-01-06T00:46:00.002+08:00

PAINTING FLOWERS.

i'm still missing RFKC. the night before, i dreamt of Jia's camper and yes, she was really cute. and today i was at a pharmacy, looking at all the random medical supplies i could get for camp next year if i were to be medic again, wondering if we should really get a bit of everything just in case. from nasal drops to antiseptic solution to large boxes of plasters. sigh, i really do miss camp.

i don't know what is it about camp that's drawn me so deeply to it. maybe it's the kids who taught me what it really means to be a kid. these kids come from special backgrounds and have gone through what many people haven't experienced. yet most of the time they appear like normal kids - innocent, naive and naughty. i believe it's the amazing regenerative potential these kids have. maybe that's why i find camp so awesome cos it tries to help in the healing of these little hearts.

or maybe it's the bunch of fantastic ppl i worked with at camp. all the dedication, patience and hard work was testament to their passion and love for each and every kid at camp, no matter how terrible the kids were. by the end of camp, even the toughest kid warmed up :) frankly speaking, some volunteers really looked like they were 'too cool for kids' but they certainly proved me wrong. in fact they were really good with the kids.

really hope i'll be able to go back year after year. and amusingly, if all of us did the same, eventually there'll be so many doctors at camp, there wouldn't be a need for a camp medic :) let's hope we all reach there.

during camp, i had a short chat with JML who was gonna do med overseas. seeing how he was impossibly patient with even the toughest kid (he gets assigned tough kids every year. that's how good he is) my natural thought was for his interest to be in Paeds. surprisingly not. it wasn't in surgery, neither was it in cardiology (or all the extremely popular specializations) but it was in Palliative. it's probably the last choice on anyone's list since it's so depressing to see patients you take care of withering away with each passing day. but JML has this really interesting take to it: the very fact that you're feeling sad for each passing patient means you've established a relationship with him or her. and that's the beautiful part of it. woah, it hit me like a truck. i was left dumbfounded for a while, amazed at the perspective he had. it reminded me of something: to cure sometimes, to relieve often, to comfort always. if the reason why he's doing med overseas was cos YLLSoM rejected him, then i must say YLLSoM lost someone great. or maybe it's a good thing he's not doing med here, or the system here might just murder his lofty aspirations.

i guess for kids, we are that helping hand, plucking them up from ground level so they can soar as they are made to; yet for the elderly we are holding hands, for company and comfort as they walk into eternity.

2011-01-03T20:01:00.001+08:00

AM I NOWHERE NEAR?

it took me quite a bit of determination to finally read the first paragraph of Snell's chapter on the abdomen. as my eyes scrolled quickly down the large chunks of words, all the words seemed really familiar, yet i couldn't tell exactly what they were. it then hit me like a truck that i really didn't know very well what i was supposed to know. which actually dates back all the way to the first half of semester one i.e. when school first started. makes me wonder what have i been doing with my time, and of course if i'll ever get my MBBS eventually. while i've long known and accepted the fact that i'm probably not as bright as 50% ( or maybe even more) of the cohort, it's simply poor for me to not know such basics. and of course, i'm heading straight out of YLLSoM if i don't do the necessary to get things back on track.

but it's easier said then done. i tried revising neuroscience just now and got totally distracted 10 mins into the webcasted lecture. simply pathetic. well you can't quite expect 100% attention and devotion from someone who has been slacking her life away for the past 4 weeks. sigh this really sucks. if only i opened Snell earlier. i'm just left with one week and it's all i got to get things to where they are supposed to be. practically speaking, i know i can't do alot. but the least i could do is to try.

on a side note, i've been feeling bloody PMSy recently. yea, maybe studying can help calm some nerves.

2011-01-01T03:33:00.002+08:00

IS IT THE THOUGHTS? OR THE CAFFEINE?

it's 3.30am and i'm still awake. maybe it's the awesome cup of strong coffee alena's mom kindly offered today at the party (and yes, it tasted really good). or maybe it's reflections of 2010 running through my head. on a side note, people around me seem to mature with time. surprisingly JT walked me home from church today cos there were no more buses that late in the night. a couple of years back, he'll probably leave me to die on the streets (HAHA no, i exaggerated a little). anyhow, i thank God for an awesome cell He's bless me with :)

a bit tacky, but i guess it's almost involuntary that one looks back at the year that has past as we celebrate the new year. this year feels as though it had wings that made it fly. an extremely eventful year, meeting many new friends as they walk in and out of my life. there were many major/unforgettable events that took place this year: getting thrown into the cruelties of society as i took up my first proper job; consideration of career choices as i applied for uni; the joy and apprehension with the acceptance into medicine; and of course, the start of a bittersweet med journey.

my year-story isn't as dramatic as the 'i battled cancer for a year' kind of story. they are probably mundane events that take place in almost everyone's lives. but i guess these little mini battles i fought never did fail to show me that He's ever so faithful. looking back, i've been blessed so greatly, far more that what i deserve (in fact, i don't deserve anything). for all things, i'm thankful :)

though i know that this year would be a scary year of mugging, i believe there'll be more to life :)

now that the caffeine is wearing off, my brains are starting to scream for the bed.

2010-12-29T00:09:00.002+08:00

THE CHRISTMAS SIDE EFFECTS.

with all the munching, i think i'll just grow fat and die. my brain tells my mouth to stop eating but my mouth says,'no it tastes so damn good i'll die if i don't eat.'

at this rate, i won't be able to wear my pretty clothes. okay Project NBM (Nil By Mouth) starts the day after!!!

2010-12-22T16:53:00.002+08:00

ONCE AGAIN.

stayed up till 3 wrapping christmas presents last night and woke up relatively early this morning for OG badminton session. really miss them, esp the sabai ppl :) badminton was great. no need for real skills, no need for serious play: all in the name of fun. lunch at bukit timah market after that totally offset the calories we lost during badminton. AHHHHHH. and yes, christmas is coming and it screams,"FATS!!"

I'm still missing RFKC and appreciating the slackness of life now. but i know when school starts, everything's just gonna go back to when we were struggling :(

okay everything aside, i need to pack my room :/

2010-12-17T21:00:00.002+08:00

AND IT WAS ALL WORTH THE WHILE.

just returned home from RFKC and it was beyond AWESOME. it was really cool cos it was truly God's camp for these kids. they may be abused physically, emotionally or sexually. but at camp they were treated like royalty. and you could see how He was working so strongly during camp, even if it was simply just answering a kid's prayer for the rain to stop so they could continue their outdoor activities. it's an indescribable feeling i guess.

these kids were amazing. they were all really sweet and adorable, even the biggest toughest guy there was actually a softie inside :) you could tell they really appreciated what the volunteers did for them. i'm just as unwilling as them to leave camp. but at least i know when i return i've got a warm home to return to. i just hope that wherever they are sent back to is a place of love and comfort.

during kite flying, kid H (an extremely blur and nerd looking 12 year old) came up to me and requested that i help him throw his kite up into the air. as he ran as fast as he could, i threw his kite up and it flew so high up, becoming the most outstanding kite in the sky. it then occured to me that these kids are kiterunners. they've got so much potential in them and all you need to do is just to help them throw their kites up into the sky. it's kid H's last time at camp since he'll be too old for camp next year. let's hope this RFKC camp helped to throw his kite up into the sky :)

i guess as much as we want to leave them positive memories and help them feel loved once again, these kids have impacted the volunteers a whole load. these bunch of counselors are so dedicated and passionate that you can see grown men and women cry cos of things their kids say or do.

i really loved it at camp. everything was simple; everyone was caring. i really loved my job too. being camp medic was fun (though i knew nuts bout first aid). my fellow medic was some really cool and nice dude. he isn't a christian, yet he's been coming back for camp year after year for 4 years. it's really funny cos he's got a fan club, with all the girls swooning over him. and i did realise most kids who fell sick or suffered injuries were girls. HAHAHA.

sigh i'm having serious camp withdrawal symptoms. really really really miss the kids :( hope i'll be able to make it for RFKC next year :/ and yes, i desperately need to sleep. ahhhhhhhhhh.

2010-12-10T22:10:00.002+08:00

WAS IT ALL PRETENCE?

done with CA2 and im done for. the paper was beyond difficult. but oh wells. let's put that aside. just praying hard that i won't fail.

watched Tangled with my OG for post CAs and i quite enjoyed that show. i guess we all need some fanatsy here and there, believing in all the stuff bout goodness and purity, of true love and friendship. but somehow episodes in my life are telling me the exact opposite. probably screaming in my face that the world isn't very much of a bed of roses, contrary to what fairytales and fantasies tell you.

time to wake up shandy. you don't have magical hair that glows when you sing to it.

2010-12-06T12:41:00.002+08:00

WOEFUL IS THE ONE WHO ONLY BEARS TO BLOG DURING LUNCH.

im just down to 4 more days of mugging to CA2 and seriously i don't feel prepared. the scary thing is not feeling unprepared but rather the fact that this feeling isn't serving as a propelling force for me to mug harder. maybe it's the result of having CAs just 2 months from each other and in between you squash lectures and activities like mad. it's tiring. oops im sorry i forgot that word isn't supposed to exist in the dictionary of a medical student, or actually any other uni student alike. but yes, i'm still gonna continue mugging after i crunch my apples down to end lunch.

got back CA1 results last week and my grades weren't spectacular. well, on one hand happy that i passed, since i'm such a blur cock in school, yet on another i'm somewhat disappointed with the fact that i belong to the range of below average (average was 80-89% by the way). frankly speaking coming from an average sec school and JC made me a bit accustomed to being average or above average. so i just got to come to terms with the fact that probably 50% of the ppl around me are from RJ, and the other 49% aren't but they as either as smart or hell hardworking. anyway, the fact that i'm in med means that as long as i don't get kicked out of med school, i'll end up a doctor eventually. well okay, maybe the top don't know how many % would be able to get into the residency programme and choose what they wanna specialise in early, saving them 2 years. but since i'm not quite keen, i don't think i wanna kill myself in the name of grades. screw it.

i guess it helped me gain a different perspective: you don't always have to be the best to go where you wanna go. you just need to meet the minimum requirements. reminds me of how His grace is sufficient. i remember getting 9As for O levels, yet just cos my english and higher chinese was an A2, i didn't get 6 points and hence wasn't top student, despite getting the most number of distinctions. then it dawned on me that all these things didn't matter, cos my main objective was to get into NJ. and i did. looking back, i sometimes wonder how i'll be like if i had my name engraved on the 'top students' board in the school hall. i might have become a tad less humble, which is precisely what He hates. occasionally i do entertain these thoughts: what if i had gotten 'A' for GP instead of 'B'? obviously my grades would look prettier. but then again, all these wouldn't matter, as long as my less-than-perfect grades got me to where i want to be. and i did.

i guess some imperfections here and there help to remind us that we're but human. there's probably some beauty about these imperfections too. i'm done with my apples. it's back to renal. AHHHHHHHHHHHH... :(

2010-11-27T01:42:00.002+08:00

PHEESEO.

as much as im drowning in the details and complexity of physio, im starting to see the beauty of medicine in it. anat pales in comparision, with all the boring muscular and bone movement, despite it being relatively straightforward and loads of memory work. did blood, respi, cardiovascular and renal this term. though it's a massive info overload, cardio and renal kind of helped me appreciate the things i saw while working in NUH, as well as my grandma's kidney condition. it kills my brains sometimes. but then again it seems so cool.

this term is ending as soon as it started. shoban mentioned before how he wished he could skip the whole part on medical school and just started practising instead. with the speed at which things are moving, we're somewhere near that already. just not spared of the pain we've got to go through, and even at a greater intensity cos things are just moving wayyyy too fast for me to react and act. anyhow, as long as i don't get kicked out of med school, i think i'm kind of okay with the life i'm living. so yes, i can't fall below that baseline. but then again, that comes with hardcore mugging anyway.

met justin one morning while i was getting my morning cookie and he chewing on his lor mee. i must admit, that morning i looked like a wreck. he asked me,"what do you do if you cannot tahan? it's not too late you know. if you get out now, you won't have to pay for breaking the bond." well he isn't the first person who told me that. maybe he said it out of cheek, just like the other seniors who told me the same thing. but upon reflection, that same sentence that came from him seemed as though it was from a whole different perspective. still recall him telling me bout how we're bloody ingrates if we ask and pray so hard for it, yet after that we just complain our life away. somehow, i saw it as a harsh reminder: if you keep complaining or wallowing in self-pity, you might as well just quit med school cos you're totally not treasuring what's been given to you.

sigh. as much as i think 2 weeks is wayyy too short for me to complete blood, respi and renal, i guess i'll just have to get through it, trusting that He who opened those doors will hold my hand as i walk through them.

it's 2am. i'm hungry. very much looking forward to breakfast tmr :) let's learn to rejoice in everything we've got.

2010-11-20T23:32:00.002+08:00

OH MUGGER-IN-ME, WHERE ART THOU.

sigh. im in a desperate need to find and revive that mugger in me. plus a jab of muggerholism. 20 days to CA 2 and i was still fiddling in the kitchen when my mom was baking muffins. my mom sees me as an idiot in baking. so it's better i study than bake cos i'll possibly make a worse baker than a doctor. anyway, all in all, I JUST NEED TO MUG. J can screw off and die. i'll just hide in my hole to mug, cut away from the world.

i've been feeling extremely lethargic recently. almost as though i needed norepinephrine instead of merely caffeine. well at least the tea this morning didn't help. i died on my books while attempting to study :/ it's baddd. accumulated sleep debt maybe. or other reasons. anyway I NEED TO MUG!!!

it's amusing how sometimes i've got the wildest imagination. crazy thoughts. but haha. they keep me amused sometimes. like how i secretly conjure this whole drama story in my head of how my friend has some scarred childhood and is wired wrongly up there, hence he's a compulsive liar who impresses me with cool stories. HAHAHA. yes. in the end Shoban says im the one with idiopathic psychosis (unexplained madness), not my friend. THANKS LOR. in any case if i go crazy, it's probably cos i mug too hard. correction: many failed attempts to mug hard.

OKAY if i carry on blogging and not mug i'll seriously go crazy. and we'll know it's not idiopathic.

2010-11-18T14:02:00.003+08:00

WE WEREN'T THE ONLY ONES.

last night was crazy. 3.5 hours worth of madness. i almost thought i'd have died. i tried hard to keep J near but i think i just lost a friend. i feel as though i killed J three times over. like i ripped off the scab forming over J's old scars, stabbed it deeper, then poured a bucket of salt over it. i prayed so hard that J wouldn't react this way but he did. sometimes, i don't understand why on earth he's reacting this way. now i'm possibly a new part of him that hurts. but given another chance, i'd have done it again. there are some things i just can't compromise.

surprisingly, we weren't the only ones last night. i guess my neighbour opposite my room was facing some sort of shit in life as well. don't feel like talking to him about it anyway. he's old enough to sort out his own matters. for a moment, i wondered if my neighbour opposite my room was facing the same hurt i was inflicting on J.

life, what a joke.

2010-11-07T00:29:00.002+08:00

GUILT.

sometimes it's just so sad how even having fun comes with a sense of guilt. i guess i've officially evolved into a full-fledged YLLSoM mugger. but then again, i don't quite qualify. half the time i'm clueless bout what others around me are saying. been having info retention problems too. then it makes me wonder, what on earth have i been doing in these 13 weeks of school? having fun? well a bit, but they always come with a price-tag, tangible or not. studying hard? well maybe, cos there's quite some time spent with books, but then again, i'm still a blur-cock in school.

yes indeed, this is a problem. 13 weeks is more than enough time to adapt. any more time needed just becomes some form of excuse to cover up another problem. in my case, obviously an unknown problem. maybe it's distractions in many forms. or in some instances burdens that i foolishly take upon myself. in any case i hope i'll be able to find some meaning in whatever else i'm doing. or it'll be a hefty price to pay. otherwise, i should just focus on what's worth focusing on.

on the bright side, this long weekend gave me a chance to repay some sleep debt, and hopefully try to reverse the eye-bag issue. though i'm not quite a fan of dermatology, i'm crossing my fingers it'll give me some tips on that. that'll be way in the future during my clinical years. but that's precisely why i'll be needing those tips.

any regrets on entering med school? nope. not yet at least. ii'll try my best to season this pair of pretty heels, no matter how many blisters and abrasions it takes.

2010-10-31T23:33:00.002+08:00

ASK, RECEIVE AND COMPLAIN?!

had an interesting conversation with Justin today in church. all the M2s around in school look obviously worried and freaked out for their coming CA1 (which i heard is beyond insane, in terms of depth of studying and demands of the paper). sat beside justin in church today, then i realised there was something different about him: calm and peace. he wasn't like other M2s, who would grab any chance to complain to a non-M2 about their current pathetic plight enslaved by CA1. of course, i had to ask why. and WOAH i was blown off by his answer. he (like many other meddies, including myself) really really really wants to do medicine. he asked, and he received, by God's grace. but he pointed out something that evoked my thoughts: when we ask and ask so earnestly ,God blesses by opening many doors for you. then as you walk through these doors, you whine, complain and bitch bout all the things that are so small in His eyes. how different then, are we from the people who complained bout manna that fell from heaven? ingrates, we'll scoff as we read those passages in the bible. but aren't we like sometimes too? well i am. extremely guilty for that matter. so shandy, just shut up :/

extremely thankful that physio tutorials aren't tmr (i initially thought they were) cos i haven't done my tutorials. OKAY I SERIOUSLY NEED TO REDEEM MYSELF :(

2010-10-20T16:16:00.002+08:00

MUSINGS OF A USELESS MEDICAL STUDENT

one thing i learnt today: help, even when "it's okay".

got off school rather early today cos PBL ended early (thanks to a slack bunch of kids with an even slacker tutor). was taking the overhead bridge on my way home from the bus stop and a petite elderly lady caught my attention (no, it wasn't her BOOMZ red hair). she was hunched and had significant difficulty in walking, grasping tight to the grabholds on the sides of the stairs. i looked down and caught an interesting sight. her phalanges (toes) were abnormally long and crooked, overlapping each other as they curved towards the second toe. obviously not very optimal for walking. seeing that she was certainly having a hard time trotting up those steps, i offered help, though i didn't quite know what i could do since i definitely won't be able to piggybag her up the steps. she kindly declined, saying she could manage if she did it slowly. so i left her, which in the end left me feeling kind of bad. as i walked ahead of her i started wondering what medical condition could've caused such a deformity. rhematoid arthitis maybe. joints? bones? no idea actually. but as i walked on i realised it didn't matter if i figured out what condition she was plagued with. but what would've mattered to that old lady was the act of someone at least helping her cross the overhead bridge. i could. but i didn't. just cos she said 'it's okay'. as i stopped by the grocery store to grab some stuff, i was hoping i'd see her walk past. it'll mean she had managed. unfortunately i didn't. i felt quite bad, yet consoling myself thinking,'maybe she had gone the other way and not walk past the grocery store.'

as a year one medical student, that was the least i could do but i didn't.

post CAs. rushing out tutorials for tmr and trying to keep up and not lag for physio.

2010-09-29T20:27:00.003+08:00

DON'T STRAY, STAY NEAR.

sometimes i wonder if i worry too much. am i not trusting the One who got me there to get me through? am i doubting His might? He healed the blind, raised the dead and rescued the world. they make my worries and doubts seem utterly insignificant. oh you of little faith.

anyway, sometimes i reflect upon my actions and words and wonder if i'm still in step with the Word. sometimes we may give excuses like "it's no longer the old times, things have changed". but that's exactly where we take a worldly perspective and conform to the patterns of the world, using their benchmark as my benchmark. WHICH IS TOTALLY WARPED. reminder reminder. be a good girl.

i don't know if uni life has made me a tad more skeptical, or maybe less trusting towards the people around me. i know nice people exist but somehow phobia creeps up to me like some virus. this makes me miss friends of the past. friends i used to hang out with, whom i could say anything with no fear of judgement or betrayal. even guy friends who treat me nice just cos they want to. i guess i'll find more of these people again in med, it might just take a bit more time.

2010-09-23T01:33:00.002+08:00

AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO STUDY.

enough crap being said bout how im supposed to study and how i should totally lay off the internet, here i am again.

somehow i don't know if i'm supposed to be enjoying life in med school. i guess i am. but i can't say for sure. paid a visit to the staff at UDC this afternoon and i'm still very glad i'm studying. im starting to wonder though, if i'm telling myself i'm enjoying med school just cos it's relatively better than whatever else i would've done if i weren't in med school. or maybe it's just some form of self comfort. anyway, i can't say for sure i'm really enjoying life now. maybe it's school. maybe it's other things that happen concurrently, making school life seem very much less enjoyable. i guess we're past that age having our lives revolve around nothing but school (i think the primary school kids deal quite well with that) yet we can't afford to let loose and not give two hoots bout academics. after all, we live in a practical society. im still in search joy in med school. ironic though, saying this as a christian. sometimes i've got thoughts that put heaps of burning coal on my head. they make me feel ashamed :/ i guess i'll just have to get things right. hopefully soon or 5 years will surely be beyond dreadful.

talked to a few people here and there the past few days. i won't say i know them extremely well. but still rather thankful (ocassionally surprised) for the fact that they share their struggles and burdens. made me realise though, that there are many broken people around. they just don't look like they are. who would've thought the most nonchalant looking person would've have such heavy burdens upon his shoulders? who would've thought one with the sharpest tongue, would have many stories hidden in a gentle heart? i guess people are complicated creatures. they are very much deeper than they look. but then again, as i look at these friends, i start to examine myself. then i realised i've been struggling with the most basic and insignificant problems. ashamed :( as they reveal how broken they are, i find it hard to say even a nice word, cos i simply don't know what to say. feel so useless sometimes, that no words of wisdom can come out from my mouth that'll make them feel better.

for how deep they go, i find them admirable :)

2010-09-20T00:19:00.003+08:00

SECRETS.

sometimes, i would secretly hope i was the only one who visited this lalaland. many times i have thoughts i'd love to pen, yet afraid of how others would see and judge it. sometimes i wouldn't even want the world to know. it's kind of ironic, since anything in the virtual world has little or no room for privacy. ocassionally i find myself with much to say yet having difficulty saying them sugared/in codes cos i've got no idea who might read it. there's then no point in keeping a blog, is there? but i guess this lalaland holds too many memories for me to bid it goodbye.

seriously, sometimes i just can't read myself. it's annoying :( i think i need a break away from everything around me. maybe recess week came just right. i need some time alone. even if it means being isolated. maybe just my notes and i. pure mugging, no links to the outside world, i should really try. i'm currently in a state where i'm having mixed feelings towards the internet. it keeps me connected to others, even when i don't feel like. oh the irony that i'm blogging right now, lamenting on how i need to disconnect myself for a while. it's tiring, somehow.

2010-09-18T11:38:00.002+08:00

WE ALL LOVE RECESS.

recess week has officially begun!! (maybe for me, recess week has started since midweek) it's a great time to rest. though some may grouse bout recess week being set aside for preparations for the coming CA, it's kind of great too cos you get a whole week just to study, without the bombardment of new info. yes yes, time to pull up my non-existent socks.

this week has been eventful in a non literal sense but im glad it's over. there's this sense of a brand new start following the closure of the issue. thank God it went well :) let's forget bout it. let's move on.

i should always be reminded bout our Jehovah Jireh :)

2010-09-14T22:54:00.002+08:00

UNBELIEVABLE.

i didn't see it coming. now that i've known, i mock my own naivety. the world isn't as rosy as i made it out to be. reality check.

sometimes, in the real world, ignorance is far from bliss.

2010-09-03T23:28:00.002+08:00

SANITY IN INSANITY.

this week marks the start of Anatomy full force (or maybe not yet, but im dying anyway) with anat lectures, practicals and tutorials spanning the week. it's scary, cos we're learning 10 times the content at 10 times the speed :/ i've barely even got time to post now, so each post is like a weekly digest of happenings. im losing the optimism i had when i thought i could get through med school like how other doctors did in their time. or maybe, i just need more time to adapt :(

despite the insane week, i had many interesting experiences and chats with the people around me, which probably helped me survive a tiny bit more. really thankful for the fact that i've got quite a few christians around me whom im comfortable with, as well as MCF every morning that helps me start my day right.

yesterday, the morning devotion during MCF was on giving thanks. how apt. when facing trials and difficulties in life, finding it hard to adapt to a whole new environment, many would chalk up a long prayer list, asking for strength and sustinance. yet how many would constantly remember to give thanks to Him for all the many blessings that have been showered upon us? (oh man, im super guilty too) before getting all so screwed up by the pectoralis major, scapula and humerus, i guess it's more important to focus on my main purpose in med, and to thank Him for the fact that i'm in med in the first place :)

couldn't take the crap from school and decided to go shopping at vivo after school. met a senior on the bus on the way back and im really glad i met him :) he asked all the standard questions on 'how you coping with m1' etc but he did give really great advice. he spoke from personal experience, probably the best and most realistic advice one could give, and asked me to take one step at a time. eventually we'll still survive. he's right. afterall, i don't intent to kill myself trying to vie for a place on the dean's list. i just want to graduate with a MBBS and not screw up patients' lives in future. he was really encouraging and his words worked better than the 3 hours of shopping :D i got off the bus and the bus drove past me. i saw him through the glass window, giving me a smile, a wink and a great thumbs up! ah. thank God for encouraging seniors. it totally made my day :)

okay while that senior said to take this one step at a time, it didn't mean facebook and blog my night away. OKAY IM GOING TO TAKE THAT ONE STEP NOW!!!

2010-08-27T21:57:00.002+08:00

THE GREEN WHISTLE

it's finally the end of the week. i've got serious catching up to do. fortunately, i haven't been zoning out at max level frequently during lectures (unlike JC where i would end up in lalaland on the comfy chairs of LT 5), mainly cos some has been covered in JC already or some info are just plain interesting. but im still major lagging cos the lecturers either go at super speed or they are just too cheem or both. often it's the both, unfortunately. but shopping today was a great :) it was as though my mom and i were in a buying competition, each trying to buy more than another (this is totally the type of friendly competition i'll ALWAYS be looking for :D) in the end we parred :)

crazy week with lectures zooming and tutorials to rush out. there was a sad day i had to take bus to school cos the car was at repair. took the same bus i used to take to NUH, saw the same bus driver and a few more familiar faces. and there was another person i was pleased to see again. it was the same annoying situation, with people (me included) crowding at the bus door trying to squeeze up. then my knight with green whistle appeared. it was the 963 uncle (who ironically doesn't take 963)! that morning, he wore the usual ahpeh kind of t-shirt and ahpeh shorts, armed with a powerful green whistle. he started shouting in hokkien and gesturing at the people on the bus, "EH MOVE IN LA! YOU THINK THIS IS YOUR FATHER'S CAR AH. MOVE IN LA! BEHIND GOT NO GHOST!" his words seemed almost magical (yes you need magic to get singaporeans to move!) and loads of space were created at the front. maybe that ahpeh was getting along with age and couldn't sleep past 7am. or maybe the bus stop happens to be the ahpeh's pitstop for his morning walk. whatever the reason for his presence is, his intention to help others get to work/school on time is evident from his green whistle (like who on earth will carry a whistle around?!?!). admirable, of course. im sure many people who managed to get on the bus eventually (including me) were really grateful to him that morning.

i'm sleepy. but i need to study :(

2010-08-22T22:33:00.003+08:00

MARKS & MARKS, PLEASE SAVE ME.

was trying hard to be a good girl today by going through the past week's lectures. surely, many hours in a day would theorectically be enough to review quite a few day's worth. but alas, im still stuck at last tuesday's lectures. woeful, woeful!! what has 8 months of holidays done to you?! was trying hard to understand what on earth happens and how the body reacts during changes in physiological pH. unfortunately, my eyelids are going on strike :( and i'll always say, i'll do it tmr and do a better job. let's hope it'll happen for once tmr.

fortunate enough to have inherited books from lois and justin (and i secretly would like to kope more from sean) so i hope mark's and mark's will be able to save my ass for biochem. i feel kind of stupid when all the seniors say the lecture notes are sufficient and you don't quite need a textbook for biochem, yet im trying hard to understand the notes and catch up. just received an email from my councillor to say how life is just gonna get tougher. thanks loads man.

1 Peter 5:6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

im off to sleep. seriously need to make it a conscious effort to not incur sleep debts :/

2010-08-21T19:36:00.002+08:00

SMEC THAT

and i thought i could sleep in today. woke up as per a normal school day, rushed like crazy just to wait 15 mins for that dumb Ahneh at the bus stop. his reason? cos he thought i'll be late @&$^&^@#!!! but okay we weren't that late, thanks to beautiful traffic on a nice saturday morning (since everyone is still sleeping at 7.30am) attended 6th SMEC (students medical education conference) and totally expected myself to die during the talks and workshop. have been sleeping 6 hours for the past consecutive nights and i think im starting to show signs of accumulated fatigue. seriously, i don't know why i've been sleeping late yet my lecture notes are pilling up, with little hope of me reading through them. I WILL STAY OFFLINE TODAY AND READ MY LECTURE NOTES. and then after that i will tell myself,"oh i need to watch the webcast again cos i fell asleep/zoned out at this part". i'll end up surfing every page but the nus website. HAHA. okay i will caution myself against that!!!

SMEC was surprisingly fun and enriching :) the talks given were interesting and relevant, except for the talk by a layman who has been disillusioned by the singapore healthcare system after her father's passing at a public hospital. while her unpleasant experiences might have been true and her complains valid, i thought it wasn't the most appropriate thing to say to starry-eyed M1s. in the end, i think bulk of her speech was complains and criticisms. well maybe she did say a few words to encourage us to not morph into horrible doctors but it didn't hit me hard enough. on the contrary, prof low's speech was THE BOMB. his presentation on 'compassion', which was well illustrated by past experiences was particularly engaging, enlightening and encouraging. he's got a good well of great stories cos of his long long long experience in this field and the M1s totally love him. 'SAY YES!', he always tells us :) the HIV workshop was extremely interesting too, where the speaker brought up real issues revolving around HIV and interesting laws and regulations concerning the disease. more importantly, her passion to fight for these patients was rather inspirational :) she totally spoke with FIRE in her eyes.

had tuition after that and totally died there. was dozing off even when my student was asking me qns and i actually gave her rubbish answers (like totally irrelevant and random). super embarrassing. maybe the brain gets messed up a little when you're in semi-conscious state :/ ironically, i still had energy to go to BP plaza after that and got a dress :D oh how great the motivation that comes from shopping :D

off to do things that will help me survive in moslly :(

2010-08-13T23:15:00.002+08:00

IT'S JUST THE START

im sleepy already, despite having taken a 2 hour nap this afternoon. fortunately, i don't have to wake up early tmr :D class gathering tmr and im really excited to meet all the others. it's friday, concluding the first week of school. im trying really hard to adapt to uni life and i really need more time. wed was the worse, when everyone just suddenly appeared to have notes with them.

had my first ethics assignment and i died doing it :/ seriously, ask me what is ethics now and i'll be stumped :( so much for a start. school, other than that, has been okay. i really feel like shopping for more clothes. i foresee clothes to be a daily dilema!

2010-08-10T14:49:00.004+08:00

THE LEGENDARY WATERBOTTLE.

first day of school. my mom's got my hair braided neatly, breakfast on the table with lunch box and water bottle all prepared. she places a box-like school bag on my shoulders, which she meticulously packed all the fresh and clean textbooks into last night.

and that was what happened 12 years ago.

this morning was beyond crazy. woke up on time but was unexpectedly slowed down by my contact lenses, which i dumbly wore them on the wrong side. couldn't figure out what was wrong with my vision (conjuctivitis won't impair vision like that) for 15 mins. when i figured out, it was really difficult to get them to switch sides cos my nails were too long. IM GONNA CUT THEM LATER :D amist all the madrush, i realised 2 things didn't change (and never had for the past 12 years of school life): i'd always see breakfast and my waterbottle on the table when i stepped out from the room. horrible me, i only realised today.

i remember asking my dad every morning what was in my bottle. always envious of other kids who had things like juice or ribena, i was hoping someday i'll get a sweet treat. my dad would give his standard answer,"skyjuice! :D" and i'll be dumb enough to believe. that carried on for a while, till i realised i was drinking water everyday. i think there were still some days i'll believe my water was special despite me already knowing the true identity of 'skyjuice'.

first day in uni. we didn't manage to get the best seats in the LT but it wasn't that bad. introductory lectures from the profs were interesting. some were insightful and thought-provoking, while others were just plain funny. had the privellege to be home by 1. quite a rarity, i foresee. and crap, i should've been kiasu enough to buy Snell during the holidays. now Snell's out and i've got to wait 12 days for it :/ im crossing my fingers, praying that anat starts only 2 weeks later.

edit: WHOO HOO!!! CO-OP just called to say my Snell has arrived!! rather baffled though, since i only made my reservations this afternoon.

2010-08-08T23:20:00.003+08:00

BEING HOT IS SO NOT COOL

my brains were fried this morning at a temperature of 39 degrees, with runny nose and an inflamed throat. finally decided to see a doctor and i was very much convinced that GPs earn big bucks. slept and slept and slept in the day but im still feeling a tad sleepy now. somehow my digestive system slows down and i can still feel food in my stomach despite having eaten 5 hours ago. or maybe, what im feeling is pills of paracetamol instead. i've never popped so many pills of paracetamols in my life cos of the damaging effects they have on the liver. but then again, i'd rather damage my liver in the long term than fry my brains. can't go to school with a fried brain on tues :/

i seriously think it's all part of the whole pre-school blues :(

2010-08-05T23:32:00.001+08:00

NOSTALGIA: THE LAND OF GREEN DOTS

went back to st marg's yesterday cos steph wanted to go back before she flew off and wanted company. had a really fun time crashing Mr Chua's physics lesson at 4/6 (awwww i just love that class) had a 15 mins refresher course on EMI and totally remembering myself hating that topic. we were requested to do an impromptu small talk session with the juniors, imparting words of wisdom (?!) and advice. looking back, we used to feel so small, sitting on those plastic chairs with just a tiny table to ourselves (my table was always messy). now, we were back as seniors, with those small beings on their small chairs looking up to us, even greeting us as we entered and exit the class. i hope our mini 'golden advice' made us deserving of such royal treatment.

met up with mdm su after that, which made me realise how much we grew. just a few years back she was just giving us tips and advice for composition, comprehension and summary (as she was doing when we visited her amist her lesson that day). now she gives us advice on dating and career choices. mature themes!

Rag today and i thought med did an AMAZING job. i must confess, i didn't do much. but the effort that came from the dancers and floaters was evident. stunts this year were really exciting too. a pity we didn't win :( though all the torture suffered during Flag paid off when we won for 'most improved coin collection'. anyhow, i thought med deserved to win at least something :/

YA retreat tmr and im so not prepared, esp with school just starting in a couple of days time. ah i should really get my priorities right. wake up your senses, shandy!!! bed now. my eyes, throat and nose are killing me slowly :(

2010-08-04T21:16:00.002+08:00

ALMOST THERE, NOT YET

and this concludes White Coat Ceremony. it might probably be the only one i'll have as participant, since i don't really see myself being a Dean's Lister/Award winner in the next 4 White Coat Ceremonies. fortunately nothing ugly happened, making it pleasantly memorable :) if anyone was wondering, no, i didn't fall on stage, neither did i misalign the buttons of my white coat :D it was more camwhoring than anything actually, which made it bimbotically fun :p

we signed our bond with MOH, dorned the white coat, said the medical students' pledge. there's no turning back. as i saw the reflection of myself in a white coat on the glass panes of UCC, it looked cool, looked professional, looked mature, looked burdensome. for a moment, i was fearful of the responsibility that came with the pristine white coat. then again, i guess it's the price of Dreams.

went to Prive with my parents after that (since i was starving very badly cos i didn't eat after the ceremony) and enjoyed nice cakes, coffee and view :) though everything was super sweet i got really sick after eating :/ still an avid fan of sweet stuff anyway! school's starting in less than a week's time. the speed at which time flies is frightening.

2010-08-03T23:06:00.002+08:00

RAISE THE WHITE FLAG

flag was beyond crazy. as if reporting at 6.30am was not insane enough, we returned the tin cans only at 6pm. my back almost broke, feet blistered and cheeks sore from all the smiling and standard 'hi sir/mdm, would you like to donate?' statements. morning was slow when i stood at some secluded corner (since everywhere else was saturated with bright orange ppl. bad for business), with a rather sad volume of human traffic. ppl there were rather generous though. took a lunch break at Swensen's and went back to work (sad sad sad) but i had best friend as flag mentor. he showed me the ropes of effective flagging.

1. strategic position

be shameless. it's okay to stand upstream of the human traffic flow and kope 'business'. in the end we stood at the bus interchange at the alighting berth, choking the poor science girl who was downstream.

2. be fast

aim for an average of 3 donations per bus that off-loads passengers. in the end my average was only 2 cos i was damn slow :P

in the end, my tin can made a huge improvement :) it was more like aiming to hit target though, since the flag ICs said at least 3/4s of can full. it was quite sad actually. my only 10 dollar note came from a primary school boy :( im seriously sorry boy. hope you've still got lunch money for tmr.

im seriously tired and there's white coat ceremony tmr. let's hope i'll be able to move freely in formal wear :/

2010-08-02T00:01:00.003+08:00

HEAR ONLY THE GOOD THINGS

met sean at church today and was complaining to him bout my bad eye and how it keeps me far away from my dear contacts. to my surprise, he actually said i could wear my contacts even with conjunctivitis!!! that was probably one of the best things i heard this morning :) it's amusing how i choose to trust an M4 rather than a GP with more than 15 years of experience. well but of course i won't be crazy (i think) and i'll stick to glasses for the time being :(

there's just one week left before school starts yet the whole week is full of school related stuffs as well. WHY ARE THEY INTRUDING MY PATHETIC HOLIDAY?! im so going to buy a pair of shoes tmr.

2010-07-31T23:37:00.002+08:00

FOREVER 18

even though my IC disagrees. relatively quiet birthday this year but i guess as you grow older, the significance of birthdays dwindle. probably just a day out of the year you feel a tad like a princess :) and maybe an excuse for you to be eating loads of unhealthy food too.

was suay enough to be down for rag saikang on my birthday but in the end it proved to be quite nice and slack :) less than one hour of saikang and the rest was eat and slack and watch rag dance. the dance was real good :D white stripes was really sweet too to have prepared a cake (which shoban used his AMAZING acting skills to try and fool me). they were really cute but it was rather paiseh cos science was having their orientation when they decided to appear with the cake. still extremely appreciative anyway!

at night was cell celebrations and i totally regret not making reservations on a friday night. we found ourselves hungry and stranded with no restaurant willing to take us in. in the end, we settled for a jap restaurant at clarke quay with the best waiter in town. after we were happy and satisfied with our meal, this china uncle waiter came up to us, speaking in chinese

waiter: so would you all like the cake served now? or later?
joy (the mastermind) and herman (accomplice): ... erm... errr...hmmm... ya

apparently she planted a cake with the restaurant as part of a surprise, which the waiter clearly blew it, yet was still oblivious.

waiter: are you all celebrating national day (??!?!?), so you guys got a cake?
us: erm, no. actually it's a birthday celebration (%#$%#%^$*&!)
waiter: oh. so i blew it? (duh)

HAHAHAHA it was super interesting to see joy's reaction to the whole situation. it was a mix of helplessness and amusement. anyway, the cake was superb :) and this cute (as in ugly but adorable) waiter brought a different type of surprise to the whole birthday celebration. really thankful for this bunch of cellies who has brought much joy and laughter, and also the spiritual support they give :)

went out for yet another sinful birthday dinner with my family today, followed by ice cream at Island. damn, i feel so fat :( NO MORE K. promise.

2010-07-28T01:03:00.003+08:00

WELCOME TO SLAVE CAVE

officially a slave to the singapore government. went down to MOH today to sign my life away. seriously, didn't see specific stipulation of the number of bond years and some clauses seemed too cheem to swallow in a span of 10 mins. i might have just been duped into working for the gvt for free for the rest of my life. but then again, so what if there's an unfair clause? so what if you've got issues with the bond/deed? we'll still sign it in the end. $444,000. i seriously wonder if they hiked the price up as a form of threat so ppl won't retain too many times :/

been looking for a pair of really comfy shoes for school (everything i've been buying recently has been for school, or so i claim :P) and i finally found the perfect pair of crocs online. IT WAS LIKE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. unfortunately, it was for the US website and it's a new arrival. i really wonder how long it'll take to arrive singapore, if it ever does :( can't wait! cos my fingers are so super itchy i need to buy new shoes (for school, of course :D)

by the way, got back my blood test results which show that im already immune to hep B, meaning no need for vaccination! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D i seriously can't imagine being poked another 3 more times and malu-ing myself in front of the nurses at UHC again :/ mysterious though, cos i've got no records of vaccination. anyway, it's something to thank God for :D

going back to school again tmr to settle some IT related stuff tmr. depressing :( well at least im meeting khooahma for lunch! :D

2010-07-22T12:15:00.003+08:00

REMINDED AND THANKFUL

yesterday was somewhat eventful, meeting and speaking with different people whom i met at different points in my life. despite the fact that they were totally unrelated, coming from different walks of life, they all pointed to and reminded me of one thing: to trust in Him.

finally got the chance to meet up with khooweiwey a.k.a kampong ah ma who has been disappearing for the umpteen time. yet each time she disappears it's for something good and im proud of her :) really nostalgic to be meeting up with a friend who goes as far back as primary school days, where she was asst. head prefect and would catch me for the slightest and dumbest school rule i broke. despite being really rooted in faith (or so i perceived) since the time i knew her, we shared our difficulties and fears that we have entering this scary phase in life. thank God we had each other to shake ourselves out of this mindset and remind each other who is rightfully in control :)

being ultra paranoid that i'll go blind, i went to see my family doctor who has seen me ever since i was a little girl. still remember the standard drugs she'll prescribe, the horrible suppository when i was getting my brains fried by a high fever and of course the terrorizing jabs she'll administer. nonetheless, it was nice seeing her again (well maybe not as a patient in clinic setting) it was just a mild case of inflammation so nothing much, just that i would still be trotting around like a nerd for a few days the redness goes away. while the consultation was important, the chat after that was much more valuable. upon knowing that i was a to-be year 1 in med, she got really excited which got the conversation going. got quite valuable med sch survival tips from her with many words of encouragement :)

went for 41st interact installation back at NJC! really nice to see my direct juniors step down and have yet another batch of fresh blood take on the leadership of the club. met jonathan, a social worker at carecorner and we had major catching up. his resillience is simply amazing, probably one of the very few ITE graduates who went on to do a Masters. he reminded me of the power and importance of prayer. i must say jon has been an irritatingly great friend and mentor: always nagging, yet nagging at the right stuffs. thank God for such friends who will slap me to my senses when needful :)

by the way, im really thankful for a great m2 counsellor i've been blessed with :) he's like... fatherly. HAHAHA okay he'll smack me if he saw this :P

this is random but i saw this guy who used to work at NUH HR at matriculation fair today. he tried to say hi but i was looking really confused (well i was quite confused then cos i was somewhat lost in school) no idea what's his name or what course he's getting into. maybe i'll ask, if i ever see him again :)

2010-07-20T22:55:00.002+08:00

THE EYE CRISIS

what a time to catch an eye infection! well in fact there is no good time at all to catch any infection :/ seriously hate eye infections cos they mean wear-glasses-only-and-look-damn-toot. to make things worse, there's the 41st interact installation tmr. AND I'LL HAVE TO APPEAR IN GLASSES LOOKING ALL SO INTELLECTUAL. so much for the glorious reappearance of the 39th exco :( well at least i survived walking in town for 5 hours today with only occasional urges to hide in the toilet and stay there forever. if the itch/redness doesn't disappear tmr im so gonna have to see a doctor :(

met up with weekee (like finally) today and had a happy 2 hours hogging seats at EwF followed by some shopping after that. really nostalgic to be meeting up with friends from long ago and talking bout other friends from long ago :) shopping after that was less than fruitful despite the rather good sales the stores were offering.

rag sai kang (bleah) and lunch with khooweiwey (yay) tmr! it's quite sad to know that this nice and sweet long holiday is about to end. even more depressing when it's followed by 5 years of non-stop book swallowing. oh wells. aiya okay la i shouldn't be complaining.

2010-07-19T14:09:00.003+08:00

THE SERIAL GRANDMA'S FOOD STEALER

some background info first: my grandma has CKD (chronic kidney disease) and has to be on a special diet, so she eats specially prepared food (which taste bland like crazy but no choice la huh)

an extremely hilarious scene at the lunch table today. my grandma sneakily koped a Gyoza (processed food) and decided to make a swift escape back to her room, while i was getting her rice from the kitchen. ignorant, i merely walked up to her to ask how much rice she wanted. there, i saw her sheepish face with the suspicious Gyoza trying to inch away from my field of vision. AHA! caught her and successfully confiscated the 'loot' while she tried very hard to act as if nothing had happened despite me giving her the you-totally-just-did-something-wrong look. fortunately only a small bite of the Gyoza was taken and to stop her from eating more, i popped the rest into my mouth :D

as i walked away chewing happily, she finally broke into a guilty smile. HAHAHAHA.

2010-07-18T23:06:00.006+08:00

not attending school for the past 7 months has had an adverse effect on my brains. somehow, it feels as though it's degenerating. maybe teaching JC tuition would've kept my brains going. but then again, the poor jc kid would probably end up quite screwed and my brains would fry too. actually, why on earth am i complaining bout a degenerating brain when i should be expecting an overutilisation soon?!

sometimes, i feel rather apprehensive bout getting into med school. maybe somewhat the same feeling i had when i got into NJ, everyday singing to myself,"goodbye life; embrace mugging". only difference being NJ's level 1 and med school's level infinity. actually, i think im destined to mug for another 10 years, at least. been browsing through past posts over the weekends (cos i had absolutely nothing to do) and i saw how badly i was dying while studying for exams in the past. can't quite believe it's going to stay like this for many years to come, just worse.

sometimes, i'll wonder if i'll end up disillusioned and become a mean and unethical doctor. let's just hope crap from med school isn't evil enough to rob the dreams of the young and innocent (HAHA).

and that's where we learn how to trust.

2010-07-14T23:12:00.005+08:00

i'm still blogging despite the fact that i can't think straight. rag sai kang was extremely exhausting. we just sat there for a couple of hours painting cardboard triangles. totally killed my back :( went for the pre-admission health check-up today which helped me realise my greatest fear - getting poked. freaked out in front of the nurses and they started telling me how i would be a bad example of patients in future. BUT HOW ON EARTH WOULD MY PATIENTS KNOW?! and seriously, poking others and getting poked are two seperate issues!! if you were the one getting poked, of course pain la! if you were the one poking others, confirm not pain what. well at least i learnt to empathize with patients. i don't think i'll mock patients who freak out during blood taking next time - cos im just as much a coward as they are. HAHA. there are still 3 more jabs to take for hep B immunization! :(

im hungry :( but ice cream is hardly of any practical purpose.

2010-07-13T22:25:00.005+08:00

me and my bloody big mouth. i should seriously learn from experience and stop asking questions that have been historically proven to backfire. shandy, why don't you ever learn?!

i'm officially scared of void decks too. it's the scariest place at night. AH.

don't know what to do now :(

2010-07-09T23:25:00.004+08:00

I SURVIVED CAMP. i would be typing an essay if i were to update on what when on during camp. basically it was just lots of seawater in my ears and nose, with all the dunking and falling into water during games :/ but i guess it was fine. very much different from lan-diao JC camps we usually have and effort by seniors were evident :)

ah actually there's nothing much to say. i just fear the (proper) start of school :(

2010-07-04T22:12:00.005+08:00

somehow, i'm quite convince i won't be able to survive 4 days 3 nights at medicamp. it screams 'mission impossible' at my face. i'm having the legendary pre-camp depression :/ staring at the number of bags i'll be lugging and the amount of things inside (as instructed by the OGLs), i'm not feeling extremely optimistic bout camp. we're gonna do amazing race all the way from NUS to changi. i foresee it'll be tantamount to torture.

SAVE ME!

2010-06-30T20:59:00.004+08:00

i'm over and done with work. the last time i stopped in march, it felt like liberation. now, it somehow feels more like graduation, that im moving on. i might miss clinic just that little bit. i'm now left with just one month to play and go crazy and do whatever i haven't done yet. i was fortunate enough to be running nice dr bhavesh's clinic on my last day, which happened to be rather memorable too, esp with all the witty comments he made.

this horrible patient came an hour late and had a whole load of complains that were either irrelevant or absurdly funny.

patient: recently i've been going for massage to straighten my spine. very painful you know.
dr: what? you actually pay ppl to cause you pain?!
patient: yes. expensive leh. $70 an hour.
dr: wow. i'm in the wrong job! i could do it for free you know.

HAHAHAHA. by the time he reached the last statement, i couldn't keep my laughter in and had to run somewhere else to laugh heartily.

stayed home for the past 1.5 days and i can't figure out how ppl stand being useless for long periods of time. but im guessing it's a temporal thought. i'll get used to it soon. miss a truly slack lifestyle. past medicamp, i'll be out on the streets bringing big shopping bags home! talking bout camp (oh man i really hate camps), it's this mon and im totally unprepared for it. but then again, im never prepared for camps. i really miss shopping :(

2010-06-27T20:14:00.003+08:00

back from my little malaysia getaway and totally not ready for work. but then again, let's try to believe that 3 more working days will inflict minimal damage :)

church camp was rather fun cos it was uber slack, though im terribly fatigued by the lack of sleep. particularly guilty too, as a result of thoughtless snacking. they kept feeding us, as though we eat and poop without digesting anything. the food was not bad though, i must admit. buffet style too, so you could skip the dishes you totally hate, and just focus on the nice ones (since it's always topped up when they're empty). the resort wasn't spectacular. the only thing that made them stand out was the abundance of space they had. our room had 2 king size beds shared by 4 girls. but there was definitely enough space for 4 king size beds. by the way, the tiles of our room were coming out and the toilet bowl choked on the last night. so we all ended up borrowing other ppl's toilets the next morning :/

camping with adults has its drawbacks too, as though they've got their watchful eyes on you and they can be quite spoil-sports. but when you see them do stupid things, it's almost like a blockbuster comedy. kids were amazing, though i was a tad paedophobic the first few days. but as usual, kids do the darnest things. by the way, my brother's stash of chewing gum got confiscated at the singapore customs (by stash, i mean 1 bottle of 'extra' chewing gum and 1 small 'juicyfruits') crazy custom dogs have nothing to do but catch stupid things, as though what we brought in was enough to set up a black market. fortunately i had another stash in my bag :D

oh wells. tmr's first day of school and traffic's going to be beyond crazy. but it's just 3 more days of 6ams and standing at the door of 963s! let's hope they'll be bearable :D medicamp soon and im not sure if im all geared up for it. but whatever la. i seriously hate school camps. SAVE ME :(

2010-06-17T19:29:00.004+08:00

whoo!! IT'S THURSDAY! meaning tmr's friday and of course, FOLLOWED BY THE WEEKENDS (oh glorious weekends). never knew weekends could be so treasured, mainly cos i spent 85% of my past weekends mugging or rushing out assignments. i shall treasure this mugless and hw-less period for i know they shall not last for long. actually, i secretly miss going to school. life was simpler then. i guess we've just got to face up to the fact that the world is one complicated mass of crap. HAHAHAHA i sound so disillusioned. nah, just a little more informed.

today came rather interesting patients.

interesting patient no. 1:
insisted there's something really wrong with his liver and extremely certain he's got hepatitis. in the end, he's negative for hep B and C and developed hep A antibodies, meaning he's probably healthier than 70% of the patients in clinic. probably the only thing wrong with his was his mental state - he was totally skeptical when he doctor said he's perfectly fine and kept arguing with the doctor. he lived 15 years of his life believing that he's sick (now we know he's probably more sick in the mind than anything else). but it was particularly amusing to see how Dr Lai blasted him in his arguments. he was still cursing and swearing after the patient left the consultation room. he merely left out the F word and hokkien swear words (cos he can't speak hokkien) UBER FUNNY.

lesson learnt: it's okay for doctors to blast patients. they ain't saints.

interesting patient no. 2:
while baby (this senior staff who's also a senior citizen) and i were left to stay at the counter, this middle aged indian lady approached the counter. apparently, she was a referral from A&E for an appointment with us tmr but came anyway cos she had an appointment at neuroscience clinic. she complained of pain and requested to see a doctor today (but we had no clinic sessions in the afternoon!) but was turned away and suggested to see A&E again if pain was severe (i know it's lame, but it's how it works here) she left shortly. 15 mins later, she came back with tears in her eyes, making a ruckus, saying how the neuroscience doctor was willing to give her a jab for her pain and that we "didn't care bout her and just asked her to go A&E. we didn't even bother to walk her to A&E" damn drama pls. we were so sure she was seeing a psychologist at neuroscience. in the end, jason the useless gigolo (my apologies, but i've got something against him) of our clinic managed to pacify her and walked her out. baby gave her usual i-don't-give-a-damn face and commented that she could give that lady a jab if she wanted. just don't blame her if anything goes wrong. it was super amusing having such a response from a 60 year old. will totally miss her when im gone :(

lesson learnt: psycho people are everywhere.

enough of psycho stories. it's 6 more days left in clinic and im counting down :D though i might hate to leave, i'll hate it even more to stay on. im gonna embrace one month of slacking fun and no one's gonna stop me. not even the crazy shandy in me who makes me do stupid things sometimes.

im meeting with xianfong and liktak for lunch tmr and im finding it extremely random. but whatever. i guess you need random things in life. anyway, today i placed a muzzle on that black dog when she started barking. i hope she finally realizes i don't give a damn about her and she's got to clean up her own crap. in the end she found someone dumb enough to do her crap for her. good for her.

weekends REAL SOON. i need new shoes!

2010-06-13T20:59:00.003+08:00

IM COUNTING DOWN. just 10 more working days to absolute freedom that will last till true torture sets in. weekends always seem to zoom past while weekdays crawl :( spent yesterday with monks. great food, great shopping, great company. a pity we don't really have the habit of camwhoring when we're out. ate at ma maison's, ben and jerry's and haagen daz; shopped at clarke quay, suntec and orchard. we redefine enjoyment :D

joy stayed over for some church camp project and i was innocently roped in for free labour. finished at 1am but we didn't sleep till 3am. thanks to ms sim who's used to sleeping at 4am everyday. i was totally zombified this morning and the message by the preacher this morning totally didn't register. zonked out for cell's bible study too :/ made everything up by having a hearty nap after lunch (sleeping after lunch feels SO GOOD. but ultra sinful though :P) my grandma made rice dumplings today too!! nostalgia! she used to feed me loads of those when i was younger (hence i used to be rounder) but since stopped. she's back in business! i attempted wrapping one which turned out decent (in my opinion) but my grandma chose my dear dumpling to be the one which had to be eaten first cos of it's UNIQUE shape. she totally didn't give me face please!! :(

work starts tmr. the thought of going back to work can be rather depressing. i need some source of motivation. fortunately, this week's roster doesn't seem unfriendly, given that it's strictly adhered to (and that idiots don't pile work on me). brace yourself shandy!! you'll encounter cool stuff again this week :D oh wells. sometimes i think i'm overly optimistic :/

2010-06-09T13:31:00.005+08:00

this is freaky/overly coincidental. i met 'year 3 med student' at lunch again. maybe he stalks (although he claims it's the other way cos i went to find out what medsoc was when he said he was from medsoc :/)

he asked,"i always see you around. you really like this job ah?"

the long and horrible bus ride home was an opportune time for reflection. my answer would be yes actually, excluding the horrible working environment. it's rather fun, esp when you see butts all the time and shine torches into them. or maybe when you have extremely jaundiced patients staring you in the eyes. sometimes you get skinny patients with huge tummies too (one was in such a bad shape yesterday, he had to be admitted from clinic) and when you meet all sorts of weird and funny patients, fortunately most are nice :D

assisted Dr Bhavesh today. can't stand it. he is JUST TOO NICE. patients love him cos he's just got brilliant softskills. some doctors seriously pales in comparison. despite giving many patients an open appointment today (meaning, unless you're seriously ill, PLEASE DON'T COME BACK) patients all left the consultation room happy and convinced that they are perfectly fine. his ability to assure is AMAZING.

oh wells. i think i'll be rather restless in july after leaving clinic. or i might indulge in shopping to keep myself busy. mugging's somewhat the last few options on the list, although i do admit it's more productive and interesting as compared to rotting :/

2010-06-08T20:29:00.003+08:00

after 5 months of abuse, im finally left with 3 weeks of work. as much as im not a sadist who enjoys ill-treatment, some part of me would definitely miss that hell of a clinic. while things are starting to brighten up (better relationships with doctors and patients; knowing how to cope with crazy work etc) bullying is a REAL issue, thanks to the Black Dog (cos she's black and female, hence female dog). forget it, the mere mention of her name taints my post.

the greatest woe in the working life of a temp staff is to work OT without getting paid for it. clinic was crazy (with occassions of a black dog barking) and i felt as though i fought a war when i ended. but it's slightly easier to cope when you meet nice ppl/have nice encounters. they tend to keep me a tad more sane.

1. morning clinic started with this (damn) cute ang moh who was nice and sweet despite the long wait. while i don't really dig ang mohs, it was nice to see pretty scenery first thing in the morning :D

2. this bloody overseas bangla patient created a scene just cos he waited for more than an hour (guess he didn't realize he was at NUH) and was being a pain with his irrelevant and repetitive questions. Dr Bhavesh got so irritated with him as well and we started minor bitching after the patient left the room. UBER AMUSING to see doctors do that.

3. Gastro MO took a million years to see 5 patients. but the heartening part was that the patients were sweet enough to understand :) secretly, i think MCs should be given more freely so patients won't complain they've got to rush back to work etc. they've got a precious MC to cover their butts.

4. Dr Lee gave me a cheery greeting when i entered his room (just to take something). it feels great when a doctor actually bothers to lift his head and give a smile in response to your greeting. some doctors greet the medical records of patients or the PC. really miss assisting him. he's like my unofficial mentor :D

anyway, i met the mysterious 'year 3 med student' again, while having lunch with reubs. this time, i FINALLY found out his name after peeking at his name tag while we chatted for that few seconds (not that im really desperate to know his name, i just find it weird to not know someone you've met for quite a few times). turns out mr 'year 3 med student' is some guy from medsoc exco or something. somewhat unexpected. HAHA.

moving away from clinic matters, hell's breaking loose at home. war has broken out between my grandma and the maid again. my grandma was so mad yesterday she refused to go to sleep and the maid was giving all sorts of crappy excuses when my mom asked her this morning. i don't quite know how to describe the situation. it's complicated but somewhat lame :/

oh wells. my dad's overseas, meaning bus rides home for the next couple of days. depressing. im off to shower and sleep. uber sleep deprived :(

2010-05-27T21:11:00.004+08:00

3 things that inspired/amused/made me happy this week:

1. Dr Lee treated me like a medical student

i was fortunate enough to have this really sweet doctor write me a letter of recommendation for application to YLLSoM (which really saved my butt when i realised marcus yip gave me an exact replica of my official testimonial, what an ass). upon finding out i got in, he decided to 'guide me through' some things, asking me some questions that made me stutter umpteen times.

"so, what do you think are the indications for a scope for this patient?"

"what are your thoughts bout this case?"

"now, this is a typical exam question. tell me what you see in this patient. (patient was deformed, actually suffering from rickets)"

stressed. but i really do appreciate his efforts :D he's a cool dude man.

2. Dr Thwin being secretly compassionate and having a soft spot for old ppl

since it's secret, how would i know?! you can see it written all over his face! that's the really sweet part. he's seriously got soft spot for old ppl. his main factors of consideration before blaming a patient for non-compliance would be the age of the patient. you should see the way he treats young patients! don't blame him though. some 30 year olds can be more brainless than 80 year olds.

today an elderly stroke patient came with her son and maid, with her son not knowing what's going on at all, since she was staying at a hospice. quite disheartening. i'd rather die early than suffer in a hospice alone :( you could totally see the FIRE in Dr Thwin's eyes. like WOAH. that's what i find super cool bout him. if medicine was split into the 'heart' and the 'brain', i'd say he's got a really pretty heart :D

3. Bowel Clinic came a really hot female MO today

WHOOOOOOOO. i don't have the hots for females. i just find it cool to have untypical ppl in often stereotyped jobs. to the hot MO: you go girl! :D

will post bout taiwan soon. it was an eventful (not all good) trip but nonetheless fun :D

2010-05-10T22:34:00.008+08:00

AHA. haven't posted since forever. work has been crazily exhausting, 7 hours of sleep seems barely enough. i wake up with ever darkening eyebags and sore shoulders. last night i woke up at 5 plus to pee and thoughts of blood tests and ultrasound kept me from sleeping well. WORK SUCKS. fortunately, it's the last day of work for the next 11 days!!! LIBERATION :D

insane week, but in a good way i guess. alena got me all so kanchiong on sat morning while i was happily on my way to tuition. being super impatient and scared and worried and anxious and everything, i got my brother to check the online application status at home. couldn't teach properly the whole time. i couldn't even sit still. and my dumb brother decided to play a not-so-funny trick to tell me i didn't get in. after 5 mins he msged THE REAL THING. maybe he thought i was depressed or something so i didn't reply him. actually i was just explaining to my tuition kid some math solution. foiled plan :P went home to check 10 more times before i came to terms with that fact. WHOOHOOOO!!!!

but as the whole "AH I GOT INTO MED!!!!" feeling faded, i realised what i was getting myself into (not that i haven't pre-empted it before i went for the interviews, just that i was more optimistic then). the thought of having to slog like a cow for 5 years in med school, face crap from even MOs when you're a HO and treating the hospital like your house (and your home like a forgotten place). even when you've specialised, thinking that your rainbows in life are appearing, the storm hasn't calmed if you're a reg. when ppl said med students have a bright future, they probably meant DISTANT future. but yes, it not all that sad (i hope) or i wouldn't have applied, though Dr Woo's first response when i told him was "i'm so sad for you" HAHA. maybe it's cos he's still a reg :P

anyway, there were little nice stuffs that happened this week which made me a bit more optimistic bout my med education and career.

1. Dr Dan (a consultant and asst professor) offered me a drink
yea yea yea, what's so great bout that! IT'S RARE. some doctors even expect you to press the queue number of the next patient for them.

2. Dr Kieron displayed great mentorship when he guided the MO during gastro MO clinic
it's a relative thing. the last consultant (who left for the private sector, thankfully) discouraged previous MOs from asking him anything. this, of course, made Dr Kieron look exceptionally cool when he look time and effort to explain stuffs to the MO and personally speak to the patient concerned.

3. Dr Lai drew blood from a patient with a difficult vein.
you hardly see a consultant doing that. usually the MOs or reges do it (if the staff nurses fail) okay fine. let's be frank. he looked damn cool when he did that. the way he focused was... WOAH. inspirational. HAHA.

away from work for the next 11 days! better still, on overseas (FINALLY) for a week!! :D

2010-05-07T23:38:00.003+08:00

it's finally friday. it was a crazy week to start with and i had a handful of horrible patients (and dumbass senior staff) to end it. i might have complained bout how temp staffs are bullied all the time but i'm starting to appreciate the pretty 'temp' word. cos i can just simply don't give a damn. afterall, it's a mere 6 weeks more, then it'll be back to my sedentary lifestyle. i miss it SO much.

i had a couple of extremely super duper crazily naggy patients this week. maybe i'm losing patience, or maybe i was suay. you wonder why on earth they spend all the time and effort in the world to repeat the same dumb thing 10 million times, even after assuring them that action will be taken. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GET (TO) THE POINT?! mega annoying.

but of course, champion irritant of the week belongs to this middle aged man who came today. he was making a huge fuss cos his room number was printed wrongly. he scolded me first, saying how it's our fault and how he made a fool of himself by entering the wrong room. front counter staff was the next target, when he shouted (acted as though he was at ENT clinic, with many deaf patients around). i guess that should've been the main reason why he made a fool of himself. by the way, front counter staff had called him many times before his appt time to inform him of the change in room number. i guess he decided to go have kopi. TOO BAD FOR HIM.

apart from these horrible irritant cases, there were a few really amusing ones. there was this middle aged patient who was referred from IMH. apparently he abused/abuses heroin and subutex. i thought he was rehabilitating cos he was staying in a home. he started asking for cough syrup when the doctor was prescribing him medication. ALL OF A SUDDEN, he decided to cough really loudly (he was fine all the while, until the prescription part. HAHA) i was super amused and quite interested to see how would the doctor deal with the situation. so he heard the patient's breathing and said,"but your chest sounds clear" and merely prescribed him something to clear phlegm which patient claimed to have. the patient probably went down to the pharmacy, happily thinking he'll be able to get high. by the way, there are stories of patients who collect cough mixtures from everywhere and set up their own black market. HAHAHAHA.

bed time, since there's tuition tmr. i might really just fall asleep during tuition. it's about time i got out of all these crap to watch a movie. it's been forever. anyway, 4 more working days to holiday :D