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Tuesday, May 29, 2012 @ 2:32 AM
COURAGE.
as we grow up, the generation above us grows old with us. at least, that's the answer i give when i start to find many around me battling diseases. yet another uncle has been diagnosed with cancer. it came to all of us as a huge shock. he came into A&E for shortness of breath. and that was just merely a week before he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer following a scope and biopsy. went down quite often to see him since i was nearby, just to share a word of comfort, yet i felt as though i was gaining so much wisdom from him instead. uncle J is an interesting character actually. i've heard loads of stories from my dad. a prankster from young, hardly ever serious. a druggie in his teens. and now a faithful servant of God. well but he still jokes around (and amazingly is able to do it with a straight face) it's been almost 2 months now. just last saturday we came together to celebrate his 60th birthday. he shared his birthday wish aloud, with no mention of better health, less suffering or healing: he wished for more and more people to know the God he loves and serves. on one of those days i visited him in the wards, he told me,"if the Lord wants to take me Home, i gladly go. If He wants me to stay on and serve Him for another 10 years, i'll gladly stay." in face of death, there was probably fear. but more than fear, he had faith and hope. Saturday, May 26, 2012 @ 3:00 AM
TRAVEL.
i like to travel. it's time well spent. it's time to explore. time to build relationships. time for first-times. was at taiwan just 2 years ago and i found myself going back there just this april. and i still want to go there again. there's this captivating beauty in that place. yes, taipei was awesome shopping and eating and more shopping (till i returned to singapore with only a couple TWD) but i found the other parts even more attractive, in a different kind of way. the warmth and hospitality at Puli, the weather and scenery at CingJing, the bitter cold (okay fine, not bitter. it was 12 degrees but i plonked on 5 layers) and fog on the top of Alishan, pure madness and fun on the beaches of Kenting and being a wannabe adventurer rafting in Hualien. and friends to share these experiences with. i am thankful. im growing to love that country. the people. the culture. the food (^^) there's a strong sense of 人情味 there i'll hardly ever forget. Friday, April 20, 2012 @ 7:03 PM
RUN.
today marks the end of year 2. it felt like forever. then again, time somehow flew through the joy and pain school brought. 9 months, 2 CAs, 1 pros, 1 CSFC and 1 multistation exam. the multistation exam today was pure madness. was trembling so badly probably even the patient i examined at the first station felt it. fumbled at some questions the examiners threw at me. it was a whole load of rushing, running between stations with barely any time to think. but most of all, it was a whole load of putting on a front. a display of confidence. i don't know how well i faired. let's hope my front held firm throughout, though i doubt. M2 was packed with so many things i barely had time to stop and think, to stop and breathe. but i thank God for friends. they are like my ventilators. they make sure i breathe. they make sure i stay alive. extremely proud of my year 5 friends who have recently graduated. sometimes i wonder if i'll ever get there. In Faith, we will. Friday, March 30, 2012 @ 8:56 PM
A WHIRLWIND OF MADNESS.
CSFC. and other things. first week of CSFC, and i must say, it was not that bad after all. yes, there was (and more is to come) a huge amount of learning but all the help from CG mates and seniors really makes it much better :) being in the wards for the past week has helped to slowly reveal the beauty of the art of medicine: to listen, to observe, to not judge, to comfort. easy for me to say, i've just been in the wards for a week and haven't seen how cruel things can get. i guess one thing i enjoyed most is talking to patients. okay fine, they call it History Taking. but history taking boxes you up and gives you a mere 7 mins to find out what is wrong with the patient. that's hardly enough time to find out about the patient. but being a mega noob history taker, we follow the template given by the school, ask almost every possible question that we can think of, hoping to find out interesting symptoms and possible causes of the disease. but there's hardly any stress in it since we're not expected to come up with a diagnosis or worse, a list of differentials. and so, we talk, each of them with their own story to tell. we won't get to enjoy such luxuries very soon. Sunday, March 25, 2012 @ 10:47 PM
TOMORROW.
it starts tmr. and okay, i'm scared. don't quite know what to expect. a wild imagination is probably only good for primary school creative writing. otherwise, it just gets you jittery. i've got images of tutors firing me in my face, or a zombified me walking down the sad lonely corridors alone... but we'll survive, yes? (fingers crossed) Saturday, March 24, 2012 @ 9:23 PM
A BREATHER.
self declared. by right, this week was meant for some revision/studying on basic clinical skills before Clinical Skills Foundation Course (CSFC) starts. and once again, i squandered my time away and major messed up my sleep cycle. but it's quite awesome anyway :) the feeling of waking up at 1pm, surf the net for a while, and meet friends for high tea/movies/shopping. how precious. CSFC scares me a little. the thought of being in the wards all day, getting questions thrown at by tutors, having to examine real patients seems daunting. eventually we'll cope, i guess. i hope. but anyway i'll have 6 others trudging with me so it might just be a tad more bearable :) LET'S DO THIS. Thursday, March 08, 2012 @ 2:02 AM
DEMANDING.
If I had a split personality, I'll be quite sure to say one of them is beyond demanding (almost impossible), while the other is plain lazy and tardy. Sometimes I think I overestimate the amount I'm able to do. The worst part: finding out only at the last minute when everything piles up and overwhelms. Been running on caffeine and occasionally panadol when the headache hits bad. I'm hoping to believe it's more than just caffeine that's fuelling me, or all this would be for nothing. Wednesday, February 22, 2012 @ 12:30 AM
A SEASON FOR EVERYTHING.
Yes and now it happens to be the season to study. I'll sit at my desk and start thinking about everything else except the immunologic reaction that takes place following an infection. Unfortunately (and very sorely), I'll be missing a friend's 21st at USS. OMG I wanna go :(( but I guess, indeed, there's a time for everything. And I bet my conscience will bug me for the next 50 years for having fun when I'm supposed to be mugging lymphocytes and immunoglobulins. Frankly speaking, the main gist of this post is to scream in my own face to MUG HARD AND GO MAD. Sigh shandy can you please get your butt at your desk and STOP DAYDREAMING. This is just so poor of you. Tuesday, February 14, 2012 @ 8:51 PM
FOREVER ALONE.
heeee. i keep seeing this on FB. i even see post-army JC guy friends posting up blurred out pictures of their date (just to prove the point that, hey, i'm not FOREVER ALONE). don't think there's anything too sad about spending v day without someone special. i think the M5s are now slogging their guts out for final MBBS (okay but that is quite sad, like really) had lunch with A stuffing our faces with XLBs and HTHTing. such love <333 anyway today is exactly 1 month from pros and i think it should be appropriate for a dumbdumb like me to be homebound, studying (sadface :() screw valentines day. your valentine might ditch you the next day but your MBBS stays with you for life. spoken like a true nerd, proud of myself ^^ Thursday, February 09, 2012 @ 12:55 AM
THAT CRAZY BUNCH OF THEM.
but i still love them anyway :) every moment i thank God for blessing me with them. they make med school 100X more bearable. and enjoyable. and love-filled. had a rather long chat with L and i've come to realize how med school has helped me gain another brother. well, 3 brothers and 3 sisters actually. can't forget the rest of them. wouldn't want to even if i could :) Tuesday, February 07, 2012 @ 7:20 PM
TILL TODAY.
haven't felt like it's post CAs till today :) the weekends were spent cramming baking cupcakes, friend's 21st, more baking and barely enough rest (but nonetheless baking was therapeutic in some way or another, and yes, the cakes turned out proper). i remember dying dead on my mom's bed while waiting for the shower on sunday night. today was a good day of bearable lectures and baking equipment/ingredients restocking + ice cream with waffles after school with A. i'm starting to wonder how often we'll be able to do this as we progress into clinical years and the early years of the medical career. time would no longer belong to us. such great joy to be meeting up with A recently with all the exciting great news she's been breaking. can't help but laugh to myself sometimes. i think our squeals and laughter were the most prominent in the ice cream shop :P oh yes, a month of CSFC at NUH. how awesome is awesome?! praying we won't get to smell CGH in the next 3 years! 6 weeks to Pros. stop slacking. move your butt shandy. Monday, January 30, 2012 @ 12:02 AM
SUPERSATURATION.
and i think of cholesterol stones. oh my, this is poor. i thought thyroid was alright when the tutors did it but i don't get why NOTHING IS GETTING IN NOW. VVHHHYYYY VVVHHYYYYY VVHHHYYYYY YOU TELL ME VHY. i need turbo speed mugging or i'm done for :( Saturday, January 28, 2012 @ 1:04 AM
STOP.
and breathe. today was a less than optimal mugging day. accomplished much less than i had set my mind on. but i guess it's okay to be human. i guess we'll be needing a whole load of determination to get through the next 7 days of mugging + exams. my JC PE teacher used to nickname me 'closing ceremony', since i was always the last to finish the 2.4km run. but the awesome teacher said,'you're always last, but you always finish'. i never saw it that way since all my focus was on the pain in my thighs, calves, stomach, head and everywhere else. and i always finished cos i thought i'll be damn screwed by the teacher if i stopped and the only valid reason for me to discontinue the run was if i faint. yupp. giving up on CAs is not an option cos i'll get damn screwed up grades that might force me to take supps, producing a screwed up holiday. bear with the pain. you've got no choice. but i guess getting some rest is still an option. even 2.4 has the slow down/walk option when you feel like you're about to drop dead on the tracks. prior to blogging, i was listening to some covers on youtube and reading some old blog posts. a slight pause, before all the craze tmr will bring :) Thursday, January 26, 2012 @ 9:58 PM
BOVINE SPONGIFORM ENCEPHALOPATHY.
oh you nerd. but sometimes i wish my brains were more spongy. at least they absorb (and retain) better :/ mugmugmugmug. and eat more beef from england. Wednesday, January 25, 2012 @ 12:09 AM
WE AIN'T NO COMMANDOS.
rushed mugging and stuffing info into head is such a painful process. my commando friend loves to quote the army,"pain is weakness leaving your body". he then further tweaked it to make it sound more altruistic and applicable to medical students - "pain is weakness leaving your patient's body". screw the army. screw altruism. i need some morphine. nothing is going in. Tuesday, January 24, 2012 @ 4:46 PM
OH MY LUNG.
been stuck at respi pathology since forever. dude you've got to move on. CAs are in 9 days. had an afternoon alone at home while all others were out visiting. it was interestingly a nice kind of feeling. i guess we all need to be alone sometimes, even if it means mugging alone at home. spent the night of the first day of CNY at the medical library with A and it was great fun i must say. screw studying. we had fun screaming and squealing in the toilet and jumping around the lib with outmost restlessness and pranking ppl over sms. so much for studying, but well it was CNY after all :) i think it beats sitting down in front of the tv at my relative's place stuffing bakwa in my face. had late night ice cream though i thought it was not the most well deserved reward. anyhow, it was great company :) anddddd, happy stuffs cos things are looking up for A & C. THERE IS HOPE :)) im starting to realise as you move along in medical school, exams start to mean less than the whole world to you. you'll figure out how to balance everything that's been thrown at you, somehow. Saturday, January 21, 2012 @ 7:35 PM
COLOURS AND PROMISES.
saw a complete rainbow outside my window just now :) what a timely reminder of His promises. just ended conference and it's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that tmr's new year's eve and that i'll probably spend the first day of CNY studying at utown. oh the misery. conference was awesome though, except for the fact that CA2 was constantly annoying me at the back of my head. hang on tight. it'll be a ride. Tuesday, January 10, 2012 @ 5:28 PM
IT'S TIME.
again :( need to stay off FB. it's, well, distracting me from yet another CA. Thursday, January 05, 2012 @ 12:39 AM
I LIKE TO STIR MY CAULDRON.
during group introductions, meeting new people and stuff, i tend to think i appear like a brainless shoppaholic (a.k.a bimbo). there's a tendency for the introduction to go,"hi i'm shandy. i like to go out and chill with friends at coffee places and shop. and shop. and shop". yea okay don't rub it in. i know how superficial i sound. but it's true that i like doing such stuffs. i like buying clothes and shoes and bags and accessories and other stuffs that on hindsight i realise i don't need. i like curling up in a corner of starbucks, sipping hot mocha, catching up with friends on their stories i missed out when i was busy diving in a sea of notes and textbooks. recently i found something i could add on to the list of things i like to do. or what other people call 'hobby'. i kinda enjoy... baking. well it's not like i've never baked for the past 20 years of my life and suddenly realised i like blasting the electric mixer on full speed with cake batter splattering all over. but recently, it has almost become an obsession. which is... not the best thing. cos y'know, textbooks are constantly calling out my name, tugging at conscience yearning for my undivided attention. but baking is just so so so attractive. i like how there's an almost fixed set of rules to adhere to in every recipe yet little changes here and there can make it how you like your cake or cookie best. recently very into cupcakes cos i realised most pretty cupcakes (and i mean really, really pretty and adorable, so colourful you think it's play-doh) might not taste as good as they look, especially those that scream 'i'm a cup-ful of diabetes!' in your face. now all you need is reduced sugar, quality cakes (in cup form) topped with icing of your choice. and the combinations of cake and icing is a whole new study on its own! how certain cakes just go THE BEST with particular icings, say, carrot cake and orange cream cheese icing. the bombzz, i say :) unfortunately the next time i'll get a chance to bake (with my conscience at peace) is after CA2. okay okay shandy's asking me to go mug. damn i hate her. sigh i think i'm schizphrenic. Thursday, December 15, 2011 @ 9:18 PM
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BUCK UP?!
cannot study :((((((( Monday, December 12, 2011 @ 10:00 PM
DECLARATION.
I'm packing my room/my notes (since the bulk of what messes my room up is notes) now. I WILL STUDY AND NOT BE A LAZY GIRL. Sunday, December 11, 2011 @ 3:27 PM
EVERYDAY WE'RE SHUFFLIN'
there's been this whole hype about reshuffling cell groups in church and it has cause quite an uproar, especially among my CG members. all the emotions, arguments and unpleasant stuff surfacing throughout the week was sucky. i hate change too. i would hate a shuffle. after much prayer and talking to different people regarding this issue, i would say a shuffle might not be the worst thing. but we certainly hate it, for different reasons. Sunday, December 04, 2011 @ 11:52 PM
SIGH. I wasted a whole Sunday again, mostly doing things I didn't think I'll have to face. How reluctant. How ugly. Or maybe it's His way of getting me to speak to Him. :( Saturday, December 03, 2011 @ 11:17 PM
MYSTERY.
what have i been doing?? Saturday, November 26, 2011 @ 11:48 PM
STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE.
baking is therapeutic :) i don't like cheesecake. but it looks pretty anyway. looking forward to christmas very much!! secretly, i'm kind of scared for the release of CA1 results :( Saturday, November 19, 2011 @ 1:19 AM
GROW.
as of today, the roads of singapore just got more dangerous :) extremely thankful that i got a really nice tester and awesome weather (though there was a 60% chance of rainfall) can't quite imagine myself on the roads but yea, whatever. the idea will sink in soon enough. then it'll be Need for Speed. was really encouraged to see a cell group member lead bible study today. i grew up with him and i know him quite well. he managed to read up online on the passages covered despite it being his exam period and delivered them quite well to the group. proud of him :) time to step up. Friday, October 28, 2011 @ 4:40 PM
A HEADLESS FLY.
2 weeks to CAs and i still feel like i'm no where. i'm like a walking disorganized mass doomed to self destruct when i take the paper. this can't go on. i need to pass. Thursday, October 20, 2011 @ 10:43 PM
HOW AM I TO CARRY ON.
Oh God, i'm starting to feel tired. i probably have been feeling tired for a while. but the journey seems way too long and never ending. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 Saturday, October 08, 2011 @ 12:50 PM
Yet when i surveyed all that my hands had done
and what i had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:11 i admit i've been drowning a bit recently, and i do foresee myself drowning more in time to come. but this reminds me to get my priorities right, and to have the right approches and attitudes to do what i want and need to do. it's never been what my hands have done, or what i've toiled to achieve. i must remember, lest i chase after the wind. Saturday, October 01, 2011 @ 10:33 AM
WHY THEY MAKE US DO WHAT WE DO.
lectures came very much alive this week. not because the lecturers were plain awesome, although i wouldn't doubt some of them really were. this week's ethics topic was particularly depressing. yet touching. a bit like morbid yet comforting, saddening with some sort of self-assumed realization. it was on end-of-life care, cancer in particular. it's scary to know how 1/3 people will die/suffer from cancer (if death rates are one in three, then disease incidence rates would be higher). my mom got a phone call on thursday morning and i was woken up by the quick but audible steps she took as she moved around the house. my semi-awake brains thought: either the house was on fire, or my uncle was going to fade away very soon. my mom ran to me and told me to go to school myself while my dad would bring her to the hospital. my grandma still asleep with my mom deliberating if she should tell her anything at all. in the end, we all went, grandma included. as she washed up in the quickest way her parkinson's-striken hands could, we could hear her bawling from inside the toilet. she had kidney failure and heart failure, with hypertension. we were afraid, but we thought she needed to say goodbye to her son. when we got there, he was in a obviously worse shape than when i last saw him a week ago. he was hypotensive and running a low grade fever. the doctor said he probably wouldn't last the day. the pastor rushed down, so did aunty vicki, really nice family and church friend who shared christ with my uncle while his condition still allowed him to interpret information and make decisions. thank God he readily received Christ. i don't know if desperation from the disease drove him to, or that he was really touched by the saving grace of God. but now we know that even if his body fades away, he lives forever. as the pastor prayed over him at his bedside, he prayed for strength and comfort yet secretly in my heart i prayed for release too. my grandma cried even more when she saw her stick-thin son lay on the bed, with a couple of tubes sticking out from him. she was finally struck with the reality that her son had not much time left. the ethics discussion this week was on palliative chemotherapy and empathy towards patients and their family members in face of a terminal illness. most patients would have a great amount of optimism and determination to fight the disease. medicine has evolved to a stage where it can prolong the life of someone. but is the time fought for quality time? is the suffering of having more tubes stuck into the patient or having mechanical devices aid the expansion of the lungs, the beating of the heart made worthwhile for the little of bit extra time gained? my ethics tutor told us this story found in BMJ: a terminally ill 19 year old boy slipped into a state of crisis and would die if nothing was done to save him. something could be done to help him get past this crisis and gain a couple more days. but the hospital he was in didn't have the facilities and the patient had to be moved. but the problem was, the patient was in such a bad shape that moving him might risk killing him. and even if the sucessfully moved him and saved him, he was still doomed to die in face of his terminal illness. both he and his parents were given the choice and as expected, the parents were in a wreck when asked to make a decision. the patient chose to move. and he gained 18 more days before the disease finally took him away. but he left peacefully. the 18 days gave both he and his parents time to accept things and to find a closure. hence, these 18 days were good for the patient and his family. my uncle survived that day and he's still alive, although he's in a really bad shape, slipping in and out of critical states. my grandma went home that day, although she barely has the mood to watch her favourite tv programmes, she stopped crying. i thought the decision the bring her to the hospital that day turned out well. she was forced to face the fact that her son was leaving soon. last night, he was critical again. we all went down, except my grandma. her children didn't want to let her know. my uncle was now down with pneumonia and septicemia. these could kill even healthy patients, much worse for immunocompromised cancer patients. he was continually hypotensive. my mom egged me to go to his bedside to speak to him, to pray with him. yet i didn't. i saw his wife and daughter beside him. i thought it would be best he spent his remaining time with them before he passed on. or maybe, i just lacked the courage. i stood the the foot of his bed and observed. he had dyspnea (hard of breathing) due to pneumonia, hypotension due to septicemia and his body was compensating, with tachycardia (increased heart rate) and thirst as a result of the hypotension. as i picked out these clinical signs and tried to explain them medically, i saw how those lectures on the physiology of the cardiovascular system and pathophysiology were so applicable. then pang of guilt struck me. this was not a cancer case with complications put in front of me. this was not even my patient that i've been following up for a couple of month. this was my uncle lying before me. all the constant reminders the lecturers had for us to remember patients as patients, and not the hepatitis case or the heart failure case or the fractured femur. a song kept running through my head as i stood around his bed, or walked around in the wards: at the foot of the cross where grace and suffering meet you have showed me your love through the judgement you received at the foot of the cross where i am made complete you have given me life through the death you bore for me and you've won my heart yes you've won my heart now i can trade these ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown coming to kiss the feet of mercy i lay every burden down at the foot of the cross at the foot of the cross - kathryn scott my uncle survived yesterday night again. my mom just msged a while ago to say he's losing his blood pressure further. i continue praying for release. Tuesday, September 27, 2011 @ 11:51 PM
WARFARE.
just about last week i met a neighbour, a family of Mormons, at the carpark on our way home. having grown up together, i started chatting with the eldest son of the family who recently returned from a very long mission trip from i forgot where. having talked longer, i found out he was at the philippines for a year or more. i told him i went for a mission trip to manila in june too and i sorely failed when he tried to converse with me in tagalog. and seriously, that was damn pro tagalog. it then dawned on me, that it's a real spiritual warfare out there. they claim to be christians too, yet it's a totally new belief. no Jesus, no Saviour. it was such a stark contrast, not only in the fundamentals of the religion but also between my neighbour and i. he was barely a few years older than me, yet he sacrificed his time (probably potential time for education) and put in effort to blend in with the philippinos in speaking fluent tagalog. yet mine was a one week trip and i probably only know how to say thank you and hello. we both were there to reach out to the philippinos. and this, is war, in a less obvious way. again today, someone knocked at the door and i opened (cos i thought it was my postage!). there stood this middle-aged lady with thick lips (sorry that really caught my eye) asking me if i knew about the redemption of Jesus Christ. immediately i said i was a christian, since i really hate talking to strangers at my gate, yet she stopped me and continued talking. sensing that something didn't seem quite right, i asked her for her denomination and found out that she was a Jehovah Witness. well it's a fact that i don't know much about them but i knew they were different from the protestant faith. i declared myself protestant and politely but firmly rejected her. as i shut the door and sat in front of the TV, i had many thoughts running through my head: why was i so quick to retreat back behind my closed door? why hadn't i let her continue and challenged her? did i have the confidence to do that? was i properly equiped with the Word to do that? was i afraid that she would make me question my faith instead? why didn't i stand up for this Jesus i claim to love? sometimes, i get so caught up with the things of this world, i tend to forget what is most important. despite reading passages from the bible or meaningful christian writeups to my cancer-striken uncle, i wonder if it's hypocritical. i wonder if im just sharing with him what i know, rather than what i believe in and who i love. yes shandy, where is this 'love' you claim? i'm afraid to fall away. Saturday, September 10, 2011 @ 9:51 PM
WHERE.
terrible week, with only caffeine to keep me physically going. yet mentally and spiritually i feel myself dwindling. as if the toil of school is not enough to get me down, the constant pressure to catch up with work (and feeling stupid during lectures) is almost unbearable. then some idiots along the way just happen to take joy in firing bombs at my already extremely screwed up week. had CGL meeting/BS today and i was constantly wondering to myself what on earth i was doing there. i've been struggling since the moment i was appointed that role. no calling, no willingness, no flair, no choice. i decided it would be a period of watching and listening but i might just be getting a tad impatient. thankful for friends who talk to me bout desserts, shopping and stethescopes. they keep my mind away from these. and yes, i need to catch up. BADLY. Tuesday, August 23, 2011 @ 11:41 PM
IN MOMENTS LIKE THESE.
and right now in the good times and bad You are on Your Throne. what a timely reminder. @ 1:14 AM
REALIZATION.
indeed, what a jerk magnet. Friday, August 12, 2011 @ 4:28 PM
GOING BACK.
feel as though i've strayed so far. i need to go back or i'll just keep falling away. Wednesday, July 27, 2011 @ 12:34 AM
TRANSIENT.
happy times. relationships. life. i'm still on holidays and it's been great so far. meet ups with friends from the past helps revive some neglected relationships that were a result of school and exams. been driving too, of course. not the first thing i'll want to do when i wake up each morning but i guess i'll have to get through this crap before i find myself wanting a car at 28 without a driver's license. people ask me what i like to do, hobbies etc. i don't really know actually. i only know i've been shopping and meeting up with people alot this holidays so it's usually my answer when they ask. it feels kind of weird cos i don't do things like play the piano, play a sport, do some really damn cool thing (no clue what) or mainly just those things people would say when you have a round table introduction. i guess they aren't the most necessary, especially when school starts. the crap will start again. just that it'll be much more. with my uncle being diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer, my family's been thrown into a bit of a mayhem. or rather just my mom. ironically, she probably sees him more times in a week now, than we would normally see in a year. it's sad how people only get close or show they care when bad stuff like these struck but anyhow i'm glad she's trying to make his last days count. it was also great to see how people love in the name of Christ. my mom's friends visit him now and then and today both my pastors visited. sometimes i feel quite unfeeling as a niece. helpless and accepting. my medical brain tells me 'it's but a matter of time' but i really hate that thought sometimes. where did the love go? it scares me. makes me afraid i'll be so numb in the future. i need to import some love from Manila. to my friend, some things don't last. we can cry and hold on, but it's better now than later. Sunday, July 10, 2011 @ 12:53 AM
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
holidays have been crazy and i've been missing in action at the dinner table for quite a while. but it's been great meeting up with friends from the past and doing some good catch up. there was quite a bit of travelling in may and june but july's mainly on school stuff. also good, since i quite miss the med ppl, though not the studying. just returned from medicamp and i thought it was awesome. got to know more M2s than M1s since i was always not with the junior OG but anyhow, doing saikang and playing a fool with the seniors was a whole load of fun too :) today was the first 'stay home' day in a very long while and it feels kind of weird. i was supposed to be out shopping since the sales are getting slightly better. but then again, i spent some time clearing my closet today, which means MORE SPACE. GSS, HERE I COME :) Sunday, June 12, 2011 @ 9:00 PM
HOPING THERE WILL BE A DAWN FOR THEM.
away on mission trip for the next 7 days. i'm prepared to be amazed and awed by what He can do and is already doing. my luggage still left open, half packed. sharing materials half edited. kids games half planned. but flying tmr morning anyway :) today He showed me once again how He provides more than enough. we had last minute donation of a huge bag of brand new clothes and cash donation amounting up to $850. we didn't even ask the congregation for donation!!! this really nice aunty just came up to us to ask what we needed and reappeared after her trip to the ATM with $700 bucks shoved to us. anyway, there's something wrong with this temper of mine. need to delete it man. pray for a whole load of gentleness and self control for this trip. Saturday, June 11, 2011 @ 11:30 AM
HERE AND THERE.
just came back from church camp and will be flying to philippines in a few days. post exam holidays (and not study holidays) have been awesome. turkey was fantastic cos i was totally wowed by the beauty of its landscape. food was terrible though. had to live on cucumbers and tomatoes. my dad received a call yesterday from HSA saying that some people in our tour group are suspected of getting the E.coli bug. anyhow, that's one reason why we say grace before our food :) church camp at batam was really fun too. a bit of unpleasantness cos some of us are physically and mentally tired from planning but i quite enjoyed the camp apart from all those. for the first time, we did some outreach and community service during a church camp and i believed it went well. let's hope we'll keep it going for the camps to come. we sang with the kids, talked with them, did craft etc. it was really cool to see them singing praises at the top of their voices from their pure hearts. off to the philippines on monday. so not prepared for many things but i guess i'll just have to go in faith. 'Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.' Psalm 127:1 Tuesday, May 17, 2011 @ 8:14 PM
TOO SICK OF IT.
even though tmr's the last day of pros and i'm flying after the paper, there's no sense of motivation or joy. Monday, May 16, 2011 @ 4:49 PM
THE END IS NEAR.
soon but not yet. trying to focus more on the 'soon' instead of the 'not yet'. spots paper on wed and i'm starting to realise how much i don't know and how much i've forgotten. it's a terribly anxious but helpless feeling actually. i wake most morning with the thought in my head: a dreadful day of mugging awaits. i think i've exhausted whatever little optimism and motivation after more than 4 weeks of nothing but studying. i can't wait to fly away. Sunday, May 08, 2011 @ 11:43 AM
The One who has gone before me, He will help me carry on.
Monday, May 02, 2011 @ 10:30 AM
i'm tired.
Thursday, April 28, 2011 @ 1:03 AM
THANKS.
thanks for your love. with pros coming up in 2 weeks, it's really been quite tough living. but God has placed people around me to show me they care. it's really comforting and encouraging especially when you're trying hard to stay afloat and i really appreciate it :) i might be developing exam-induced shoppaholism. i'm always wanting to buy stuff i don't need even when i hardly can step out of the house. but my mom has been feeding my addictions by acceeding to my requests. like a new study chair, cos i said i needed (well maybe or maybe not) one. and a new pair of glasses though my current ones are perfectly fine, with the excuse that the current one has a frame too small to see things around me. brought me for quick shopping and lunch cos i said i REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted that dress (and i really did want that dress, but i got another dress instead). and my parents finally agreed to get an espresso machine cos i've been complaining that 3-in-1 coffee sucks big time and that spinelli and starbucks love scamming my money. very evidently, my mind runs wild when i study. i think of crappy things to buy, and even crappier excuses. my parents don't print money. neither do they grow money trees (i bet some med kids parents do) and it's not in the family's culture to spend on unnecessary and lame stuff. but i thank them for making it an exception at their expense cos they feel it'll make me happier during these dark times. whether it can really make me feel better is one thing. but at least i know they are trying. so thank you :) also, i had a pleasant surprise last night after a whole day of crappy mugging. i received an email from my MCF head to thank me for serving in MCF for the past year. it wasn't a short few sentences saying thank you for serving and all the best for pros. it was sincere and heartfelt. really touched cos he took some mugging time off to type me a mail. he could have simply done it after Pros. more importantly, i think his main message was more of encouragement than thanks. he saw my 'OMG i feel so stupid and wanna kill myself right away' face during tutorials that day and thought maybe i was struggling and was lacking a whole load of confidence. well he's right luh. the note meant alot to me actually and reminded me to have faith and confidence and the Lord. yes, which is what i need very badly. second to faith and confidence, i need sleep too. yawns. many others around have encouraged me too and i can tell that those were really sincere words :) thank you friends. Sunday, April 24, 2011 @ 11:36 PM
SLOWEY POKEY
WHY WHY WHY DO YOU STUDY SO SLOWLY??! WHY?! AND WHY EVEN AFTER STUDYING SO SLOWLY, YOU CAN'T RMB THINGS FOR NUTS?!?! WHY??!?! pathetic pig. Saturday, April 23, 2011 @ 12:06 AM
I NEED TO MUG HARDER.
this week has been terrible. but this keeps me going. i know i am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing :) and blogger's not weird anymore. no more large chunks of words :) Monday, April 18, 2011 @ 11:28 PM
sometimes overly optimistic till unrealistic. other times anxious and worried. you fool.
Thursday, April 14, 2011 @ 11:54 PM
sometimes, i find it so hard to go on. but i have to keep faith.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011 @ 11:57 PM
i've got no idea why my posts are coming out as blobs of words. so i might as well just type in a blob of words. had a terrible day at anat practical today. almost like the 'i want to burst out crying now but i won't cos it'll be the most embarassing thing on earth' feeling. probably felt that way cos i felt really stupid today. like a dumb girl doomed to die in medical school. i guess it's also cos of the extra pressure that's been building up with Pros just a month away (but with a whole load to study, plus i can't rmb almost anything). plus CA3 results just came out and they weren't particularly spectacular. actually, pathetic to be exact. my lab mates are extremely nice and they are really smart. so i'm always the one sponging off their brains every practical session. i guess today the sponge was dysfunctional and couldn't absorb much stuff. sometimes (or most of the time actually) i feel as though i'm holding them back. half the time they speak things that sound like greek to me (in actual fact most are latin) and they spend the other half of the time explaining it to my blur face. amist all these thoughts that school is killing me and i'm dying from school, i'm still very thankful for these really good friends God has blessed me with. despite me dragging them down during practical sessions and revisions (they try very hard to help me and are extremely encouraging) they haven't given up on me (yet) and get me to go for self revision sessions with them. they even let me choose the topics i want to revise so i'll be better prepared and will benefit more from it. when/if i get my MBBS, i owe them at least 20% of it. i guess medical school is an extremely humbling experience for me. it's almost like falling from grace. used to be above average but now i'm miles away. amazingly, God places us in trying situations but there's always hope that we can hold on to. this time, He placed great ppl around me :) apart from my lab partners, another friend just msged me the answer to a question i asked her a couple of days back (even i forgot about it). thank you friends :) i'm gonna sleep my sorrows away. tmr will be an awesome day :)
Wednesday, April 06, 2011 @ 10:26 PM
HEY, JUDE.
made a new friend today. my first friend at St Joseph's home was this 51 year old spastic (as in really spastic, a medical condition) man called jude. really really nice person to talk to, though he couldn't speak. he communicated by pointing out alphabets on a prepared card to spell out words he want to express. hope to see him again the next time i visit :) we talked to other residents at the home too and most were actually quite glad for us to be there. secretly, i went there once with interact and they complained we were making too much noise :P maybe now it's time to make amendments for what we did 2 years back HAHA. another interesting thing was to be able to see real examples of diseases, illnesses and their manifestations at the home. often lecturers talk about the different illnesses that ppl face but everything becomes so trival when it's in the lecture notes/textbooks. the only thing i remembered about osteoarthritis was that we had a series of lectures on it before CA1 yet it wouldn't be tested (obviously i zoned out). i never knew it was such a painful condition until i saw how it could make someone cry. promises are dangerous. i told jude i'll be back in 2 weeks and he seems excited to see us back again. but exams are approaching... anyhow, i don't think i'll want to disappoint him. Tuesday, March 29, 2011 @ 12:38 AM
GOOD GRIEF?
just came back from a good friend's grandma's wake. i didn't know her grandma at all. in fact, i didn't know she shared such a close relationship with her. as my friend went up to give her eulogy, i couldn't help but feel a portion of that loss she felt. it would be quite hypocritical to burst out crying just 2 minutes into the eulogy, especially when i didn't know her grandma at all. yet as she went on sharing, i was overwhelmed. it made me think of my grandma. it made me scared to lose her. it made me reflect if i've been giving her the best experience she could have as a grandma. it made me sad. happy for my friend, cos her grandma said The Sinner's Prayer just before passing on, and by faith we have confidence that she's enjoying eternal life now. then it made me think: what about my grandma? what about the people around me? will we meet again? all these things came altogether. just last night i had this thought while studying (it was a truly random moment): what if the world ended tmr? what if the world was judged tmr? how much regret will there be? how many people would i not see forever? as i sat at the chair of my dressing table with the tv switched on in the background, i hear news of japan's triple tragedy, thailand's floods, myanmar's earthquakes, libya's unrest... Friday, March 25, 2011 @ 8:41 PM
ANATOMY.
i'll call it the bane of my life if exams weren't that frequent. but when i've got an upcoming anatomy + everything else exam, it's like the king of nemeses. very evidently, revision hasn't been ideal. i still remember at one of my first few anatomy practicals (the one we go look at preserved dead bodies), i almost burst into tears cos i couldn't catch up with my tutorial group and was near totally clueless. feeling absolutely stupid and stressed, i went up to my OG mates and told them i was gonna go home early without continuing the session since it was obviously not optimal esp with a really crappy mood. but the bunch of them persuaded me to stay and patiently (extremely) went through the tutorial objectives with me. and then i found myself a new practical group (and a bunch of really good friends). i always want to die during practicals but they kind of help me survive through each session. now it's almost end of M1 with just a couple more practical sessions to go. one of them actually took the initiative to get our whole group started on revision for spots (final practical exam). seriously, what would i do without them. today marked the last session of PBP also. i'll miss the awesome tutors and the cool A&E setting. i'm sure we'll get more chances to get posted there again. but i hope we'll pop by just for fun one day, before we actually get posted there. MUG MUG MUG MUG. Saturday, March 19, 2011 @ 11:53 PM
SLEEPY.
it's something i'm constantly battling. but obviously i give in to it quite easily, especially during lectures. sigh, the reason i came blogging was cos i was falling asleep trying to webcast prof raj's lecture (amazingly he puts me to sleep quite well, despite him being quite a good lecturer). now that honeymoon week is over, the real horror starts. pros in less than 2 months and i've seriously got to start mugging already :( don't think i'll like to mug in the CA3 style again, with minimal sleep and lots of food. i'm going to start believing sleep is good. i'm staying in my hole for the next 7 weeks and nothing (i hope) is going to get me out of there, until the end of pros. bid my social life goodbye. bid my virtual social life goodbye too. bid my shopping goodbye too. OMG I MIGHT AS WELL DIE. my mom just gave away my bag to my cousin's gf cos she says i don't use it anyway. CRY. okay i really really feel like sleeping now. i need to watch a movie. Monday, March 07, 2011 @ 12:15 PM
DELUSIONAL, OR NOT.
my dad woke me up at 7 this morning for school. i clearly remembered telling him i was intending to stay home today last night. i remembered telling my mom too. interestingly, BOTH of them said i didn't tell them anything. so my dad woke up at 6 plus for nothing, when he could easily leave the house at 8.15 since he didn't need to send us. felt quite bad cos he woke up an hour early. but then it gets me wondering, what went wrong? they didn't hear me (or both of them coincidentally forgot), an interesting case of miscommunication, or i'm simply delusional and hence remembering false images. the latter would be the scariest of them all. i guess i'll just choose to believe it's just plain miscommunication. anyway, in between mugging i'll occassionally read singaporemd.blogspot and there was this talk bout doctors overcharging. in the comments there were even apalling links between the sale of medical services and $1 chicken rice. if i'm going through 5 years of a damn sad life (or maybe even a couple of years more than that), only for my medical knowledge and services to be worth chicken rice, I CRY. eh wait. remember, it's about saving lives (with $1 chicken rice) Tuesday, March 01, 2011 @ 1:35 PM
WRIGGLES.
finally eating instant noodles after a very long time and i can't rmb when was the last time i ate it. seeing the wriggly noodles swimming in a thick broth of MSG and whatever unhealthy stuff there is in there, and finally having it in my mouth felt so good. CAs are in less than 2 weeks and i'm totally not prepared for it. having alot more to study and forgetting stuff i studied (which i confidently thought would stay) isn't of much help. i was frantically trying to finish the abdomen and endocrine glands last night, and trying to rush while showering to cut my shower time (OMG it felt so bad. my shower time is sacred time!! :( ) it then occurred to me that i'll go crazy studying and living at this rate, devoting most of my time to mugging and only mugging. shower time being dreaming time (and hence sacred time), i started wondering what would happen if i suffered a nervous breakdown studying for CA3. it'll be quite a joke. going to study now. i feel abit nicer to myself after eating instant noodles and blogging :) i'll save day dreaming to showertime (maybe we should call it showerdreaming). Friday, February 25, 2011 @ 9:06 PM
500.
unknowingly, i've written enough crap to make up 500 posts. keep it up shandy. you might be star blogger one day. just be patient and wait :) ate my third sausage mcmuffin in a month. i used to do very well without it but now i might just be addicted. sodium overload but precisely so it tastes so good. well, my hotcakes and sausage + 2 packets of hotcakes syrup previously wasn't very much healthier either. but anyway mac's breakfast is totally worth spending those calories on. at least they taste better than those oily dry nuggets that used to taste fantastic. i'll blame my third sausage mcmuffin on my grandma cos she said she wanted to eat mac's breakfast and i promised to go with her. actually she only eats fillet-o-fish which is served all day long but she thinks they only have it in the morning. good for me anyway. good excuse to eat my sausage mcmuffin :) wanted to bring the maid along so she could bring my grandma marketing after breakfast and i could rush home to mug, and mug, and mug. but she didn't want the maid along. just as well, cos i realised i've never accompanied her to the market before. plus there are some things that are kind of worth the time and effort and outweighs mugging ten times. wasted a couple of days at home doing i don't know what. sometimes i'm amused myself at how i spend my time doing stupid things, like blogging. did some mugging here and there but obviously not enough to complete everything. i'm miles away from 'studying finish'. oh wait. this does not exist in a medical student's dictionary (firstly it's not in latin, secondly cos medical students just keep studying). stupid things happened while im studying, like how my highlighter flew into my tea while i was swirling it around, or how my printer screwed up on me (as usual). more importantly, my neighbour just came over to tell us there's no water supply (for i don't know what good reason) and i haven't showered. GREAT. more time to mug. can't believe i spent my 500th post talking bout sausage mcmuffins, mugging and screwed up water supplies. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 @ 1:20 PM
ALWAYS.
many times i wonder why seniors can study their content 2 times over prior to exams. i can't even cope with touching every set of notes once. i'm either useless or they are superhuman. i choose to believe the latter. as much as i try damn hard, i almost always can't finish studying, especially since JC (or maybe even O levels. i rmb mugging damn hard 2 hours before O's bio paper at bel's house). i guess i've just got to work harder to get where those superhuman seniors are. if i do fail to get there, at least i know i'm still human :) barely 20 odd days (not sure, lost count/don't dare to count) to CA3 and i'm totally not prepared. set a mug pact with nick to get a target of 70 this CA. seems bleak :/ woeful woeful! plus having an irritating and persistent cough really screws up my sleep patterns. the procodeine prescribed hardly works to suppress the cough center and it only makes me drowsy. and since the medicine isn't working, i'm still waking up 4am at night to cough (??!?! stupid reason to wake up) and drink water. alright my notes are printed and i'm all set to conquer GIT today. i'm gonna rip out its guts. HAHA. Friday, February 18, 2011 @ 5:37 PM
SWEET NOTHINGS.
counting down. 3 weeks to CA3. i don't know if counting down stresses me, motivates me, or simply scares me. well at least it helps me keep track of time. beats finding out that there's only 1 day left to the paper after living the zombie life without any sensitivity to time. today was sugar-overdose day. ate cake in the morning. fell asleep during lecture. ate cake again. ate an apple. drank coffee with 3 packets of sugar (unrefined i hope, but not like it makes a difference). ate kueh bangkit and chocolate wafer sticks. to my GIT, pancreas and liver, i'm sorry but sugar made today a slightly more enjoyable day :) had a talk by seniors earlier this week on 'surviving medical school' and more importantly how to get past pros. there's an increased motivation to mug in moderation (only when necessary, but that's like all the time) and play like crazy (whenever we can, duh). there was also a harsh reminder to dress well and look pretty. afterall, that's probably the best we can ever look. on a side note, i still believe in the existence of hot doctors :) but oh well, yes i'm somewhat encouraged to study, though both the mind and body are still damn weak. it's recess week and i hope i won't waste it. going to the zoo on monday sounds like a good idea anyway. i'm having serious withdrawal symptoms from shopping :( Sunday, February 13, 2011 @ 10:23 PM
BREATHE.
it's less than 4 weeks to CA3 and i just realised how much crap we've got to swallow, assimilate then vomit on 11 march. RAWRRR. kill me. having a mega packed weekend was not helpful at all, since the only time i really started studying was like, just. kill me again cos now i've got to live with the guilt of not studying. ah whatever shandy. you can't go on living like a pure breed mugger with no life to speak of. i don't want to live the prime years of my life in vain. but wait. if i'm mugging yet still getting below average grades, i should just go kill myself. that's mega sad case cos working hard's not gonna get you anywhere, and an even sadder case would be that slacking a little more would mean getting kicked out of medical school. OH WOEFUL! OH SHUT UP SHANDY STOP WHINNING AND GO STUDY. (sigh, sometimes i feel like a schizophrenic) Monday, January 17, 2011 @ 2:09 PM
PERSPECTIVES.
female medical student: i don't mind marrying a doctor next time actually. then at least he'll know how busy doctors are. male medical student: i don't want to marry a doctor in future. or else she'll know exactly how busy i am. a rather interesting conversation :) Saturday, January 15, 2011 @ 11:24 AM
WHERE AM I?
most of the time, i feel stupid in school. sometimes i don't know if it's alright to have the 'it's perfectly alright to just pass' attitude. oh yes, forgot to mention i'm just in year 1, supposedly coined the 'honeymoon period' by many seniors. maybe i'll get used to this feeling soon. i don't know. many times, i wonder if i'll ever get there. being able to make sound decisions so that i won't end up killing anyone in the wards or A&E. i guess i've just got to work harder. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 @ 2:35 PM
SCHOOLITIS PYREXIA
schoolities pyrexia: autoimmune response to the end of holidays and the start of a new school term. root causes include emotional distress from the anticipation of a packed timetable and anxiety caused by the rushing out of tutorials. commonly characterized by fever, lethargy and a bloody bad headache. what a start to the new sem :/ i think i popped 8 paracetamols in less than 24 hours. what a torture to my liver. but anyway, i'm much better now (maybe cos i finished my tutorials and the new chapter on the Abdomen actually doesn't seem that impossible after all). it was great going back to school, seeing awesome friends and talking crap during lectures. though i don't expect many shopping expeditions for the next few months, i'm hoping my holiday sprees will make up for it. but then again, there can never be too much shopping :) the happiness level that stems from shopping is a linear curve with a large positive gradient. bracing myself for the new sem. it's gonna be crazy. it's gonna be awesome (i'm praying hard!!) by the way, i passed CA2!! extremely thankful :) Thursday, January 06, 2011 @ 12:46 AM
PAINTING FLOWERS.
i'm still missing RFKC. the night before, i dreamt of Jia's camper and yes, she was really cute. and today i was at a pharmacy, looking at all the random medical supplies i could get for camp next year if i were to be medic again, wondering if we should really get a bit of everything just in case. from nasal drops to antiseptic solution to large boxes of plasters. sigh, i really do miss camp. i don't know what is it about camp that's drawn me so deeply to it. maybe it's the kids who taught me what it really means to be a kid. these kids come from special backgrounds and have gone through what many people haven't experienced. yet most of the time they appear like normal kids - innocent, naive and naughty. i believe it's the amazing regenerative potential these kids have. maybe that's why i find camp so awesome cos it tries to help in the healing of these little hearts. or maybe it's the bunch of fantastic ppl i worked with at camp. all the dedication, patience and hard work was testament to their passion and love for each and every kid at camp, no matter how terrible the kids were. by the end of camp, even the toughest kid warmed up :) frankly speaking, some volunteers really looked like they were 'too cool for kids' but they certainly proved me wrong. in fact they were really good with the kids. really hope i'll be able to go back year after year. and amusingly, if all of us did the same, eventually there'll be so many doctors at camp, there wouldn't be a need for a camp medic :) let's hope we all reach there. during camp, i had a short chat with JML who was gonna do med overseas. seeing how he was impossibly patient with even the toughest kid (he gets assigned tough kids every year. that's how good he is) my natural thought was for his interest to be in Paeds. surprisingly not. it wasn't in surgery, neither was it in cardiology (or all the extremely popular specializations) but it was in Palliative. it's probably the last choice on anyone's list since it's so depressing to see patients you take care of withering away with each passing day. but JML has this really interesting take to it: the very fact that you're feeling sad for each passing patient means you've established a relationship with him or her. and that's the beautiful part of it. woah, it hit me like a truck. i was left dumbfounded for a while, amazed at the perspective he had. it reminded me of something: to cure sometimes, to relieve often, to comfort always. if the reason why he's doing med overseas was cos YLLSoM rejected him, then i must say YLLSoM lost someone great. or maybe it's a good thing he's not doing med here, or the system here might just murder his lofty aspirations. i guess for kids, we are that helping hand, plucking them up from ground level so they can soar as they are made to; yet for the elderly we are holding hands, for company and comfort as they walk into eternity. Monday, January 03, 2011 @ 8:01 PM
AM I NOWHERE NEAR?
it took me quite a bit of determination to finally read the first paragraph of Snell's chapter on the abdomen. as my eyes scrolled quickly down the large chunks of words, all the words seemed really familiar, yet i couldn't tell exactly what they were. it then hit me like a truck that i really didn't know very well what i was supposed to know. which actually dates back all the way to the first half of semester one i.e. when school first started. makes me wonder what have i been doing with my time, and of course if i'll ever get my MBBS eventually. while i've long known and accepted the fact that i'm probably not as bright as 50% ( or maybe even more) of the cohort, it's simply poor for me to not know such basics. and of course, i'm heading straight out of YLLSoM if i don't do the necessary to get things back on track. but it's easier said then done. i tried revising neuroscience just now and got totally distracted 10 mins into the webcasted lecture. simply pathetic. well you can't quite expect 100% attention and devotion from someone who has been slacking her life away for the past 4 weeks. sigh this really sucks. if only i opened Snell earlier. i'm just left with one week and it's all i got to get things to where they are supposed to be. practically speaking, i know i can't do alot. but the least i could do is to try. on a side note, i've been feeling bloody PMSy recently. yea, maybe studying can help calm some nerves. Saturday, January 01, 2011 @ 3:33 AM
IS IT THE THOUGHTS? OR THE CAFFEINE?
it's 3.30am and i'm still awake. maybe it's the awesome cup of strong coffee alena's mom kindly offered today at the party (and yes, it tasted really good). or maybe it's reflections of 2010 running through my head. on a side note, people around me seem to mature with time. surprisingly JT walked me home from church today cos there were no more buses that late in the night. a couple of years back, he'll probably leave me to die on the streets (HAHA no, i exaggerated a little). anyhow, i thank God for an awesome cell He's bless me with :) a bit tacky, but i guess it's almost involuntary that one looks back at the year that has past as we celebrate the new year. this year feels as though it had wings that made it fly. an extremely eventful year, meeting many new friends as they walk in and out of my life. there were many major/unforgettable events that took place this year: getting thrown into the cruelties of society as i took up my first proper job; consideration of career choices as i applied for uni; the joy and apprehension with the acceptance into medicine; and of course, the start of a bittersweet med journey. my year-story isn't as dramatic as the 'i battled cancer for a year' kind of story. they are probably mundane events that take place in almost everyone's lives. but i guess these little mini battles i fought never did fail to show me that He's ever so faithful. looking back, i've been blessed so greatly, far more that what i deserve (in fact, i don't deserve anything). for all things, i'm thankful :) though i know that this year would be a scary year of mugging, i believe there'll be more to life :) now that the caffeine is wearing off, my brains are starting to scream for the bed. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 @ 12:09 AM
THE CHRISTMAS SIDE EFFECTS.
with all the munching, i think i'll just grow fat and die. my brain tells my mouth to stop eating but my mouth says,'no it tastes so damn good i'll die if i don't eat.' at this rate, i won't be able to wear my pretty clothes. okay Project NBM (Nil By Mouth) starts the day after!!! Wednesday, December 22, 2010 @ 4:53 PM
ONCE AGAIN.
stayed up till 3 wrapping christmas presents last night and woke up relatively early this morning for OG badminton session. really miss them, esp the sabai ppl :) badminton was great. no need for real skills, no need for serious play: all in the name of fun. lunch at bukit timah market after that totally offset the calories we lost during badminton. AHHHHHH. and yes, christmas is coming and it screams,"FATS!!" I'm still missing RFKC and appreciating the slackness of life now. but i know when school starts, everything's just gonna go back to when we were struggling :( okay everything aside, i need to pack my room :/ Friday, December 17, 2010 @ 9:00 PM
AND IT WAS ALL WORTH THE WHILE.
just returned home from RFKC and it was beyond AWESOME. it was really cool cos it was truly God's camp for these kids. they may be abused physically, emotionally or sexually. but at camp they were treated like royalty. and you could see how He was working so strongly during camp, even if it was simply just answering a kid's prayer for the rain to stop so they could continue their outdoor activities. it's an indescribable feeling i guess. these kids were amazing. they were all really sweet and adorable, even the biggest toughest guy there was actually a softie inside :) you could tell they really appreciated what the volunteers did for them. i'm just as unwilling as them to leave camp. but at least i know when i return i've got a warm home to return to. i just hope that wherever they are sent back to is a place of love and comfort. during kite flying, kid H (an extremely blur and nerd looking 12 year old) came up to me and requested that i help him throw his kite up into the air. as he ran as fast as he could, i threw his kite up and it flew so high up, becoming the most outstanding kite in the sky. it then occured to me that these kids are kiterunners. they've got so much potential in them and all you need to do is just to help them throw their kites up into the sky. it's kid H's last time at camp since he'll be too old for camp next year. let's hope this RFKC camp helped to throw his kite up into the sky :) i guess as much as we want to leave them positive memories and help them feel loved once again, these kids have impacted the volunteers a whole load. these bunch of counselors are so dedicated and passionate that you can see grown men and women cry cos of things their kids say or do. i really loved it at camp. everything was simple; everyone was caring. i really loved my job too. being camp medic was fun (though i knew nuts bout first aid). my fellow medic was some really cool and nice dude. he isn't a christian, yet he's been coming back for camp year after year for 4 years. it's really funny cos he's got a fan club, with all the girls swooning over him. and i did realise most kids who fell sick or suffered injuries were girls. HAHAHA. sigh i'm having serious camp withdrawal symptoms. really really really miss the kids :( hope i'll be able to make it for RFKC next year :/ and yes, i desperately need to sleep. ahhhhhhhhhh. Friday, December 10, 2010 @ 10:10 PM
WAS IT ALL PRETENCE?
done with CA2 and im done for. the paper was beyond difficult. but oh wells. let's put that aside. just praying hard that i won't fail. watched Tangled with my OG for post CAs and i quite enjoyed that show. i guess we all need some fanatsy here and there, believing in all the stuff bout goodness and purity, of true love and friendship. but somehow episodes in my life are telling me the exact opposite. probably screaming in my face that the world isn't very much of a bed of roses, contrary to what fairytales and fantasies tell you. time to wake up shandy. you don't have magical hair that glows when you sing to it. Monday, December 06, 2010 @ 12:41 PM
WOEFUL IS THE ONE WHO ONLY BEARS TO BLOG DURING LUNCH.
im just down to 4 more days of mugging to CA2 and seriously i don't feel prepared. the scary thing is not feeling unprepared but rather the fact that this feeling isn't serving as a propelling force for me to mug harder. maybe it's the result of having CAs just 2 months from each other and in between you squash lectures and activities like mad. it's tiring. oops im sorry i forgot that word isn't supposed to exist in the dictionary of a medical student, or actually any other uni student alike. but yes, i'm still gonna continue mugging after i crunch my apples down to end lunch. got back CA1 results last week and my grades weren't spectacular. well, on one hand happy that i passed, since i'm such a blur cock in school, yet on another i'm somewhat disappointed with the fact that i belong to the range of below average (average was 80-89% by the way). frankly speaking coming from an average sec school and JC made me a bit accustomed to being average or above average. so i just got to come to terms with the fact that probably 50% of the ppl around me are from RJ, and the other 49% aren't but they as either as smart or hell hardworking. anyway, the fact that i'm in med means that as long as i don't get kicked out of med school, i'll end up a doctor eventually. well okay, maybe the top don't know how many % would be able to get into the residency programme and choose what they wanna specialise in early, saving them 2 years. but since i'm not quite keen, i don't think i wanna kill myself in the name of grades. screw it. i guess it helped me gain a different perspective: you don't always have to be the best to go where you wanna go. you just need to meet the minimum requirements. reminds me of how His grace is sufficient. i remember getting 9As for O levels, yet just cos my english and higher chinese was an A2, i didn't get 6 points and hence wasn't top student, despite getting the most number of distinctions. then it dawned on me that all these things didn't matter, cos my main objective was to get into NJ. and i did. looking back, i sometimes wonder how i'll be like if i had my name engraved on the 'top students' board in the school hall. i might have become a tad less humble, which is precisely what He hates. occasionally i do entertain these thoughts: what if i had gotten 'A' for GP instead of 'B'? obviously my grades would look prettier. but then again, all these wouldn't matter, as long as my less-than-perfect grades got me to where i want to be. and i did. i guess some imperfections here and there help to remind us that we're but human. there's probably some beauty about these imperfections too. i'm done with my apples. it's back to renal. AHHHHHHHHHHHH... :( Saturday, November 27, 2010 @ 1:42 AM
PHEESEO.
as much as im drowning in the details and complexity of physio, im starting to see the beauty of medicine in it. anat pales in comparision, with all the boring muscular and bone movement, despite it being relatively straightforward and loads of memory work. did blood, respi, cardiovascular and renal this term. though it's a massive info overload, cardio and renal kind of helped me appreciate the things i saw while working in NUH, as well as my grandma's kidney condition. it kills my brains sometimes. but then again it seems so cool. this term is ending as soon as it started. shoban mentioned before how he wished he could skip the whole part on medical school and just started practising instead. with the speed at which things are moving, we're somewhere near that already. just not spared of the pain we've got to go through, and even at a greater intensity cos things are just moving wayyyy too fast for me to react and act. anyhow, as long as i don't get kicked out of med school, i think i'm kind of okay with the life i'm living. so yes, i can't fall below that baseline. but then again, that comes with hardcore mugging anyway. met justin one morning while i was getting my morning cookie and he chewing on his lor mee. i must admit, that morning i looked like a wreck. he asked me,"what do you do if you cannot tahan? it's not too late you know. if you get out now, you won't have to pay for breaking the bond." well he isn't the first person who told me that. maybe he said it out of cheek, just like the other seniors who told me the same thing. but upon reflection, that same sentence that came from him seemed as though it was from a whole different perspective. still recall him telling me bout how we're bloody ingrates if we ask and pray so hard for it, yet after that we just complain our life away. somehow, i saw it as a harsh reminder: if you keep complaining or wallowing in self-pity, you might as well just quit med school cos you're totally not treasuring what's been given to you. sigh. as much as i think 2 weeks is wayyy too short for me to complete blood, respi and renal, i guess i'll just have to get through it, trusting that He who opened those doors will hold my hand as i walk through them. it's 2am. i'm hungry. very much looking forward to breakfast tmr :) let's learn to rejoice in everything we've got. Saturday, November 20, 2010 @ 11:32 PM
OH MUGGER-IN-ME, WHERE ART THOU.
sigh. im in a desperate need to find and revive that mugger in me. plus a jab of muggerholism. 20 days to CA 2 and i was still fiddling in the kitchen when my mom was baking muffins. my mom sees me as an idiot in baking. so it's better i study than bake cos i'll possibly make a worse baker than a doctor. anyway, all in all, I JUST NEED TO MUG. J can screw off and die. i'll just hide in my hole to mug, cut away from the world. i've been feeling extremely lethargic recently. almost as though i needed norepinephrine instead of merely caffeine. well at least the tea this morning didn't help. i died on my books while attempting to study :/ it's baddd. accumulated sleep debt maybe. or other reasons. anyway I NEED TO MUG!!! it's amusing how sometimes i've got the wildest imagination. crazy thoughts. but haha. they keep me amused sometimes. like how i secretly conjure this whole drama story in my head of how my friend has some scarred childhood and is wired wrongly up there, hence he's a compulsive liar who impresses me with cool stories. HAHAHA. yes. in the end Shoban says im the one with idiopathic psychosis (unexplained madness), not my friend. THANKS LOR. in any case if i go crazy, it's probably cos i mug too hard. correction: many failed attempts to mug hard. OKAY if i carry on blogging and not mug i'll seriously go crazy. and we'll know it's not idiopathic. Thursday, November 18, 2010 @ 2:02 PM
WE WEREN'T THE ONLY ONES.
last night was crazy. 3.5 hours worth of madness. i almost thought i'd have died. i tried hard to keep J near but i think i just lost a friend. i feel as though i killed J three times over. like i ripped off the scab forming over J's old scars, stabbed it deeper, then poured a bucket of salt over it. i prayed so hard that J wouldn't react this way but he did. sometimes, i don't understand why on earth he's reacting this way. now i'm possibly a new part of him that hurts. but given another chance, i'd have done it again. there are some things i just can't compromise. surprisingly, we weren't the only ones last night. i guess my neighbour opposite my room was facing some sort of shit in life as well. don't feel like talking to him about it anyway. he's old enough to sort out his own matters. for a moment, i wondered if my neighbour opposite my room was facing the same hurt i was inflicting on J. life, what a joke. Sunday, November 07, 2010 @ 12:29 AM
GUILT.
sometimes it's just so sad how even having fun comes with a sense of guilt. i guess i've officially evolved into a full-fledged YLLSoM mugger. but then again, i don't quite qualify. half the time i'm clueless bout what others around me are saying. been having info retention problems too. then it makes me wonder, what on earth have i been doing in these 13 weeks of school? having fun? well a bit, but they always come with a price-tag, tangible or not. studying hard? well maybe, cos there's quite some time spent with books, but then again, i'm still a blur-cock in school. yes indeed, this is a problem. 13 weeks is more than enough time to adapt. any more time needed just becomes some form of excuse to cover up another problem. in my case, obviously an unknown problem. maybe it's distractions in many forms. or in some instances burdens that i foolishly take upon myself. in any case i hope i'll be able to find some meaning in whatever else i'm doing. or it'll be a hefty price to pay. otherwise, i should just focus on what's worth focusing on. on the bright side, this long weekend gave me a chance to repay some sleep debt, and hopefully try to reverse the eye-bag issue. though i'm not quite a fan of dermatology, i'm crossing my fingers it'll give me some tips on that. that'll be way in the future during my clinical years. but that's precisely why i'll be needing those tips. any regrets on entering med school? nope. not yet at least. ii'll try my best to season this pair of pretty heels, no matter how many blisters and abrasions it takes. Sunday, October 31, 2010 @ 11:33 PM
ASK, RECEIVE AND COMPLAIN?!
had an interesting conversation with Justin today in church. all the M2s around in school look obviously worried and freaked out for their coming CA1 (which i heard is beyond insane, in terms of depth of studying and demands of the paper). sat beside justin in church today, then i realised there was something different about him: calm and peace. he wasn't like other M2s, who would grab any chance to complain to a non-M2 about their current pathetic plight enslaved by CA1. of course, i had to ask why. and WOAH i was blown off by his answer. he (like many other meddies, including myself) really really really wants to do medicine. he asked, and he received, by God's grace. but he pointed out something that evoked my thoughts: when we ask and ask so earnestly ,God blesses by opening many doors for you. then as you walk through these doors, you whine, complain and bitch bout all the things that are so small in His eyes. how different then, are we from the people who complained bout manna that fell from heaven? ingrates, we'll scoff as we read those passages in the bible. but aren't we like sometimes too? well i am. extremely guilty for that matter. so shandy, just shut up :/ extremely thankful that physio tutorials aren't tmr (i initially thought they were) cos i haven't done my tutorials. OKAY I SERIOUSLY NEED TO REDEEM MYSELF :( Wednesday, October 20, 2010 @ 4:16 PM
MUSINGS OF A USELESS MEDICAL STUDENT
one thing i learnt today: help, even when "it's okay". got off school rather early today cos PBL ended early (thanks to a slack bunch of kids with an even slacker tutor). was taking the overhead bridge on my way home from the bus stop and a petite elderly lady caught my attention (no, it wasn't her BOOMZ red hair). she was hunched and had significant difficulty in walking, grasping tight to the grabholds on the sides of the stairs. i looked down and caught an interesting sight. her phalanges (toes) were abnormally long and crooked, overlapping each other as they curved towards the second toe. obviously not very optimal for walking. seeing that she was certainly having a hard time trotting up those steps, i offered help, though i didn't quite know what i could do since i definitely won't be able to piggybag her up the steps. she kindly declined, saying she could manage if she did it slowly. so i left her, which in the end left me feeling kind of bad. as i walked ahead of her i started wondering what medical condition could've caused such a deformity. rhematoid arthitis maybe. joints? bones? no idea actually. but as i walked on i realised it didn't matter if i figured out what condition she was plagued with. but what would've mattered to that old lady was the act of someone at least helping her cross the overhead bridge. i could. but i didn't. just cos she said 'it's okay'. as i stopped by the grocery store to grab some stuff, i was hoping i'd see her walk past. it'll mean she had managed. unfortunately i didn't. i felt quite bad, yet consoling myself thinking,'maybe she had gone the other way and not walk past the grocery store.' as a year one medical student, that was the least i could do but i didn't. post CAs. rushing out tutorials for tmr and trying to keep up and not lag for physio. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 @ 8:27 PM
DON'T STRAY, STAY NEAR.
sometimes i wonder if i worry too much. am i not trusting the One who got me there to get me through? am i doubting His might? He healed the blind, raised the dead and rescued the world. they make my worries and doubts seem utterly insignificant. oh you of little faith. anyway, sometimes i reflect upon my actions and words and wonder if i'm still in step with the Word. sometimes we may give excuses like "it's no longer the old times, things have changed". but that's exactly where we take a worldly perspective and conform to the patterns of the world, using their benchmark as my benchmark. WHICH IS TOTALLY WARPED. reminder reminder. be a good girl. i don't know if uni life has made me a tad more skeptical, or maybe less trusting towards the people around me. i know nice people exist but somehow phobia creeps up to me like some virus. this makes me miss friends of the past. friends i used to hang out with, whom i could say anything with no fear of judgement or betrayal. even guy friends who treat me nice just cos they want to. i guess i'll find more of these people again in med, it might just take a bit more time. |
Her.
BBPCyf! YLLSoM! saved! sleeping in classes! falling on buses! trips to lalaland! ice cream! chocolates! shopping expeditions! Speak.
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